Parenting styles

 

Styles of Parenting

According to the research, there are 4 basic styles of parenting.  These styles are based on demandingness (how much you require of your children in terms of setting rules, boundaries, and creating structure) and responsiveness or nurturance (the amount of care, love, and positive regard you show your child).  The chart below briefly describes the results of each style of parenting:

Authoritative (high demands, high responsiveness)

• Most effective style of parenting.  
• Parents create a consistent structure, have realistic rules and expectations for their children, follow through on boundaries, and set appropriate consequences.
• Parents are responsive to their child's needs, genuinely care about what is going on in their child's life, and show unconditional positive regard (I like and love you no matter what you do, I will not withdraw my love from you if you do something bad or something I disapprove of).  
• Parents are willing to listen to their child and take their opinion/point-of-view into account when making decisions that affect the child.

Authoritarian (high demands, low responsiveness)

• Parents are often referred to as drill sergeants for their "Because I said so" approach to setting rules and boundaries.  
• Don't spend a lot of time building a positive relationship with their children and often withdraw love and attention when the child does something they don't want them to do.  
• Often have very rigid rules and are unwilling to look at things from their child's perspective.  
• Parents are shouters/yellers and cold-shoulder-ers.  
• Swift with punishment, but very slow to pay attention to what their child is doing right.  
• Take the attitude that you can always do better, so whatever their child does is never good enough.

Permissive (low demands, high responsiveness)

• Parents show lots of love, attention, and devotion to their children, but have very few (if any) rules and boundaries.  
• Their home life is often not very structured and most of the time, the child has a lot more power in the home than the parent.  
• Kids are allowed to do pretty much whatever they please with no consequences or inconsistent consequences.  
• Parents will often swoop in to "save the day" when another adult tries to set or enforce boundaries with the child (e.g., if the child gets in trouble for misbehaving at school, the parent goes out of their way to excuse the bad behavior and get the child out of being punished).  
• Parents are more focused on being their child's friend than on being a parent; they don't ever want to be perceived as the bad guy, so they avoid stepping up to discipline.

Uninvolved or neglectful (low demands, low responsiveness).

• Parents don't require much of their children, but they don't show love and regard to them either.  
• Most of the time, they don't pay attention to the child at all.  
• Parents are often the ones that leave their child unattended at home while they go out and do what they want.  
• The child's needs almost always go unmet, so they are forced to seek to get their needs met from other sources, often in very unhealthy ways.  
• Parents provide no structure or boundaries, therefore consequences are usually non-existent as well.  

http://byuwsr.blogspot.nl/2012_11_01_archive.html

Parental Involvement

http://www.teendriversource.org/stats/for_parents/detail/86

The Four Types of Parenting Styles

            

Parents are a huge part of a child's life. However they act, whatever they say, anything that they do largely impacts a child's development from the moment they are born. According to psychologist Diana Baumrind's research, she found that there are four types of parenting styles (Parenting Styles in Psychology, Brittany Olivarez). Through naturalistic observation, parenting interviews, and other research methods, Baumrind identified the following four parenting styles:

• Authoritative: democratic style of parenting, parents are attentive, forgiving, teach their offspring proper behavior, have a set of rules, and if child fails to follow their is punishment, if followed their is reward/reinforcement

• Authoritarian: strict parenting style, involves high expectations from parents but have little communication between child and parents. Parents don't provide logical reasoning for rules and limits, and are prone to harsh punishments

• Permissive: parents take on the role of "friends" rather than parents, do not have any expectations of child, they allow the child to make their own decisions

• Uninvolved: parents neglect their child by putting their own life before the child's. They do provide for the child's basic needs but they show little interaction with the child

Each of these different parenting styles impacts and influences the development of child. Through Baumrind's observations she found that the most ideal and balanced style that leads to the child being mature, independent, and socially responsible is the Authoritative style (Parenting Styles in Psychology,Olivarez) Baumrind also found that the style commonly leads to children becoming delinquents is the Uninvolved style because of the lack of parenting, affection, and care from the parent leads the child to act out badly for attention (Parenting Styles in Psychology, Olivarez).
Parenting is a large impact in a child's life and development. Most families have a blend of two or more of these parenting types because the mother and father tend to differ when it comes to parenting a child. What we know is that a healthy development leads a child to succeed not only in developing as a person but building a stronger bond to their parents.

 

 http://blog.lib.umn.edu/meyer769/myblog/2011/11/the-four-types-of-parenting-styles.html

Parenting Tips from 10 Parenting Experts

When you're looking for parenting advice, it can be hard to know where to start. There are so many websites, books and products offering different ideas about discipline that it can get overwhelming. To help you get answers about which discipline strategies work best, I asked 10 top parenting experts from a variety of experiences and backgrounds for their single most important parenting tip. I received wonderful words of wisdom that are sure to help any parent who is looking for advice on effective child discipline.

 

1. “Be a parent, not a friend. This means you cannot be afraid to be the bad guy. Your child might be angry with you sometimes. Deal with it. The alternative is having an obnoxious kid. Let him fail sometimes. If you don’t, how do you expect him to ever learn how to cope with life’s ups and downs? Nobody is successful at everything. Sometimes, you have to fail in order to succeed.”

-Lori Freson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

 

2. “Do not name call or hit: Kids learn from you, being abusive or hitting just teaches them to handle conflict with aggression and meanness. If you feel super angry in the moment, take a time out and walk away, come back later and have a plan for discipline. If you lose your cool, explain that you did and make clear you wish you had not. A firm and even angry but measured tone is much more effective than sounding out of control and vindictive.”

-Dr. Gail Saltz, Psychiatrist, Psychoanalyst, Bestselling Author and Television Commentator

 

3. “Once your child hits the teen years, don't get lost in the details by focusing too much on the day to day behaviors and moods of your child. At this point, frequently remind yourself that your teenager will soon be able to leave the house and will have the power to decide how emotionally connected he or she wants to remain with you for the rest of your lives. The more you focus on building a democratic relationship during the teen years, the more your soon-to-be grown child will like and appreciate you for years to come.”

-Seth Meyers, Psychologist

 

4. “If you have to tell your child the same thing repeatedly before they respond, then you are training them to ignore you.”

-David Johnson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

 

5. "Use natural consequences if possible. Parents may feel they have to punish kids for mistakes or misbehavior rather than letting real life take its course. If your child refuses to put on his coat, let him get cold. If he fails to clean his room, let his toys get lost. It’s tempting to engineer other consequences, like taking away video games or TV time, because we don’t always trust that natural consequences will work. But over time they do have a way of shaping behavior."

-Heidi Smith Luedtke, Personality Psychologist and Author of "Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down"

 

6. "Problem solving is what must replace punishment in order to develop responsible, respectful behavior in children and adults. Punishment is a coercive manipulative tactic used to get children to do what we want. It does nothing to develop character and empathy. In fact it is what is part of creating bullies. Children do not learn through fear and force. Their unacceptable behavior is meant to tell us that they are having a problem, not being a problem."

-Bonnie Harris, Parenting Educator and Director of Connective Parenting

 

7. "Understand the meaning of the word discipline. It's all about teaching and education - not punishment, threats, and training! Think of yourself as a teacher and show your child you respect them by explaining WHY the limit needs to be set. Help them understand it's for their own good and the benefits to them. Respect is a gateway to your child's cooperation!"

-Tom Limbert, Parenting Coach and Author of "Dad’s Playbook: Wisdom for Fathers from the Greatest Coaches of All Time"

 

8. "It may seem hard to believe when you're struggling with your kids, but children really do want to please their parents. Nothing makes a child happier than the pride they feel when receiving praise from their mother or father. This desire to please our parents is so strong that it lasts right into adulthood."

-Dana Obleman, Author of "Kids: the Manual"

 

9. "Be consistent--inconsistent discipline can actually reinforce negative behaviors because your child will keep trying in the hopes that this time he won't get in trouble."

-Susan Bartell, Psychologist and Author of "Top 50 Questions Kids Ask"

 

10. "The child's problem is there is something that he needs and wants and doesn't know how else to get other than misbehaving. A parent often has a problem with the child's behavior. Unfortunately the parent usually starts by trying to solve her problem and never gets around to solving the child's problem."

-Nancy Buck, Developmental Psychologist and Creator of Peaceful Parenting Inc.http://discipline.about.com/od/typesofdiscipline/a/Parenting-Tips-From-10-Parenting-Experts.htm

Family management: in a nutshell

Families come in all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t matter what your family looks like, so long as it provides a solid and loving base for your children. But a happy, well-functioning family doesn’t just happen – it takes a bit of effort.

did you know

Studies show that healthy families make time for talking and listening, show affection and encouragement, accept differences, share chores and decisions, keep in touch and make family time.

 

• Families that work well
• Routines and rituals
• Sharing jobs
• Managing family finances

Families that work well

Thinking about how you’d like your family to work is called family management. Some parents fear that family management will kill off spontaneity – quite the opposite. In fact, you will probably have more time and energy for impulsive outings or activities.

The benefits of family management also include:

• bringing family members closer together
• making it easier for grown-ups and children to talk
• making everyone more organised and less stressed
• making the most of precious time and finances
• helping grown-ups deal with the way children behave
• providing a way of passing on your family values
• helping children develop important social skills for life
• helping your family find more time to have fun together.

Here are some ideas for basic family management:

• Communication: it’s important to talk through family issues with all family members, including children.
• Affection, positive attention and family time: everyone in the family needs to feel loved and valued. Make sure your children – and your partner – receive lots of encouragement, positive feedback and signs of affection. It’s also important to make time every week to do things as a family – even a short walk or a visit to the park can help bring you together.
• Routines: consider your daily routines and figure out what system works best for all members of the family. Routines make children feel safe and secure, and can make the busy times of day less stressful for everyone.
• Sharing tasks: think about how you can divide up jobs so everyone is happy.
• Preferred reactions: talk about how you would like everyone to respond to difficult or challenging situations like tiredness, an upset child or financial pressures.
• Social life: think about ways everyone in the family can meet their needs for a social life.

Routines and rituals

Routines and rituals can give family members a sense of consistency and security and can help to make family members feel like they belong.

Routines
Routines are those planned and recurring activities that help keep the home running smoothly. They include things that need to be done at the same time most days, like getting dressed for school or having a bath.

Routines can help your family spend more time together. For example, setting the table and washing the dishes with your children gives you the chance to have a chat at the same time.

Read more about household routines and why they work.

Research tells us that children are healthier and manage their behaviour better when they have predictable routines.

Rituals
Rituals are moments and activities that are special and unique to your family. They can be simple things, like reading bedtime stories, playing games or going camping during school holidays. Rituals give everyone a sense of history and belonging.

Research shows that rituals can strengthen your family’s values and help pass these values on to your children.

Read some tips for fun family rituals.

Sharing jobs

If household jobs are shared, the burden is lighter on everyone. Sharing household chores with your children can help them feel important and valued members of the family

You could write up a chart that outlines who does what and when. Then, down the track, hold an informal family meeting to see how everyone is finding the plan. This will also give you a chance to praise your children for their achievements, or suggest better ways of doing jobs.

Read more about age-appropriate jobs for kids.

Managing family finances

If your finances are causing you stress, there are some simple things you can do to manage your money better. A simple way to budget is to ask your employer to deposit your money into two accounts, one that you use for household and child expenses, and another for everyday cash spending.

Setting a realistic budget may help you gain more control over your finances and show where you need to make changes to your lifestyle. If you can create a plan for managing your money, you may be able to save for family holidays and reduce your debts.
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/grownups_family_management_nutshell.html

Being a role model for your child

        

You have an important part to play in your child’s life – even if it doesn’t always feel that way. What you do and say guide your child’s behaviour, attitudes and beliefs over the long term.

did you know

Teenagers often end up with values, beliefs and behaviour similar to their parents’. Research has shown that young adults are more similar to their parents than they appeared to be as teenagers.

 

Being a role model for your child

When your child was younger, your role was to lay the blueprints for his behaviour – for example, cooperating with others and showing how to take turns. Now your child is a teenager, he can start taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

But you’re still an important role model.

What you do shows your child how you want her to behave. For example, how you cope with feelings such as frustration and distress influences how your child regulates her emotions. What you eat, how much you exercise, and how you look after yourself will all influence your child.

What you say is also important. You can help your child to manage and control his own behaviour by talking about how behaviour affects other people. You can also use more complex reasoning and examples to talk about the differences between right and wrong. Now’s a good time for this because your child is developing his ability to understand other people’s experiences and feelings.

Tips for role-modelling

• Include your child in family discussions, and give her input into family decisions, rules and expectations. These are good ways of helping her understand how people can get along with others and work together.
• Try to practise what you preach. Teenagers can and do notice when you don’t!
• Work towards a healthy lifestyle by eating well and exercising regularly. Try to avoid making negative comments about your body – and other people’s too. Not only will you be healthier, but you’ll send an important message about body image and acceptance.
• Show that you enjoy education and learning. If you make it seem interesting and enjoyable rather than a chore, your child is more likely to have a positive attitude to school.
• Keep a positive attitude – think, act and talk in an optimistic way.
• Take responsibility for yourself by admitting your own mistakes and talking about how you can correct them. Try not to blame everything that goes wrong on other people or circumstances.
• Use problem-solving skills to deal with challenges or conflicts in a calm and productive way. Getting upset and angry when a problem comes up encourages your child to respond in the same way.
• Show kindness and respect to others.

Influencing your teenager

You’re still an important influence on your child. Recent research shows that teenagers generally stay close to their parents, and that they value and respond to their parents’ good opinion, advice and support. Your child’s peers and friends will also be important in the teenage years. But parents and peers influence different things.

As a parent, you influence your child’s basic values, such as religious values, and issues related to her future, such as educational choices. The stronger your relationship with your child, the more influence you’ll have.

Your child’s friends are more likely to influence everyday behaviour, such as the music your child listens to, the clothes he wears and whether he picks on or bullies someone.

Teenagers need you to stay in touch with them and what they’re up to. You can take an interest in what they’re doing with their friends and also encourage group activities. You might like to read more in our article on privacy, monitoring and trust.

Parenting style
Research shows that parents who have an authoritative approach – firm about limits, but also warm and accepting of their child’s need to be an individual – tend to have teenagers who are less likely to be influenced by peer pressure to misbehave. These teenagers are also more likely to be influenced in positive ways, such as to do well in school.

Parents who are either permissive (few or no limits but warm and accepting) or authoritarian (controlling, with high expectations that children will obey rules and directions) are more likely to have teenagers who are influenced into inappropriate behaviour.

Your influence over your child’s friendships

When your child was younger, you probably influenced the friends she made by managing her social activities as well as actively guiding her towards certain friends and away from others.

In the teenage years, you do still have an indirect influence over your child’s friends. You shape your child’s attitudes and values, which in turn shape his choice of friends.

We often think that because teenagers and their friends are similar, they’re influencing each other. But the main reason that friends are similar is that teenagers choose to be friends with people who are like them.

Even when you approve of your child’s friends, you might find that their influence isn’t always what you want. Peers can and do influence each other in positive ways. But peer pressure might also lead your child to experiment with smoking, alcohol and other drugs.

Your influence over your child’s alcohol and other drug use

You might worry about how your child will manage issues such as alcohol and other drugs, and peer pressure to experiment. But it’s not just friends who influence teenagers in this area – you also have an influence.

You’re unlikely to stop your child from trying alcohol, but you can be a role model for safe habits. The way you use alcohol and other drugs will influence your child’s attitudes and behaviour. Think about the different messages you might send if you:

• drink occasionally and in moderation
• drink daily and heavily
• have a cigarette after every meal or with every cup of coffee
• say things like, ‘I need a drink/joint/cigarette – I had a shocking day at work’, or ‘I’m getting a headache – I’d better have some Panadol’.

You can also talk with your child about alcohol and other drugs, the effects they have and the risks involved. Our articles on preventing and minimising alcohol use and alcohol and other drugs in adolescence have more information.

There’s no safe level of alcohol for young people under 15. It’s best for young people to avoid alcohol until the age of 18. The longer teenagers’ alcohol use can be delayed, the better. Young people’s brains are still developing, and when they drink alcohol there’s a risk their brains won’t develop properly.

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/role-modelling.html/context/1142

Life Lessons to Teach Kids Before They Leave Home

As a parent, I've felt the temptation many times to sit my kids down and drill them on life’s important lessons – especially the ones I had to learn the hard way. But this approach can be a fool’s errand; we all know kids insist on making their own mistakes. My admonitions wouldn't have worked on them any better than my parents’ lectures worked on me.

If you’ve come to the same conclusion, though, don't despair: there’s still a way to get through to them. Your kids are always taking mental notes, even when you’re not looking. Like it or not, your actions are at the core of what your kids will take with them into their adult lives. Seen through their young eyes, what you say and do in your own life will be the example they retain in spite of themselves.

Had I been able to put into words the living lecture I'd have wanted to give my own kids for a head start in life, it would have gone something like this:

1. Don’t be afraid to fail: If you never fail at anything, you may be aiming too low, playing it safe, and doing what Stephen Covey used to call “playing par 9 golf.” So, keep challenging yourself, even – and especially – after defeats. Emerson wrote, “When it’s darkest, men see the stars.” Failure and adversity are among the best ways to grow and to learn. (See these 10 quotes about perseverance in the face of adversity.)
2. Find the good in yourself. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves, without the need to derive our sense of self-worth from the people around us. Taken together, the judgments of teachers, parents, bosses and friends amount to a hall of funhouse mirrors – one in which you’ll never get an accurate reflection of yourself. If you grow up longing for approval, you’ll risk becoming a pleaser, dependent on others for your sense of security and well-being. The opinions of those around you – though worth considering – are slender reeds on which to base your self-image. Instead, pick what matters most to you and stick with it.
3. And see the good in others, too. The harvest from showing genuine interest and respect to others is almost invariably an increase in your own self-esteem. The world is full of other people, so don’t go through life dismissing them, seeking distance from them, or being shy or afraid. Showing respect – and even reverence – for other humans is virtually always a “win-win” proposition.
4. There's no substitute for hard work. Honest work may be the surest path to self-respect. As alluded to in a post about my earliest jobs, hard work is a privilege – it allows you to discover the depth of your own abilities, and to see the potential in others. Go the extra mile, and see how good you can be at something. The harder you work, the less crowded a road you’ll find – fewer people than you think embrace work as a central path to self-worth.
5. Building great habits is critical. The more of them you have, the more capacity you’ll have to handle the many competing claims life throws at you. Good habits can take you to unanticipated heights – and in ways that’ll almost feel effortless. The “muscle memory” from having developed good habits in your youth (yes, including basics like eating right, good sleep, hygiene, regular study and exercise) will sustain you when others flag. Abraham Lincoln said, “by the age of 40, every man has the face he deserves." So it is that your habits will lead you to a destiny you earn.
6. Don't expect fairness – at least in the short run. To deal with life’s unfairness, focus on the future, not on the past. Whatever happens, don’t wallow. Concentrate on others, not on yourself. Legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi reminded players that, “it’s not how many times you're knocked down, but how many times you get up again, that'll determine your destiny.” The message: just keep getting up.
7. Be kind – it has more power than you think. In Aesop’s fable about strength, the Sun’s warm rays win out over the gale force of the North Wind. This gentle approach to influencing others may not be obvious in your early years. A bit of subtle kindness costs nothing, but can have huge benefits. Remember that it doesn’t take much to help lift someone’s burden, to say a kind word, to notice a success.
8. Take yourself out of the center. The most miserable people I know live in a self-designed universe that revolves eternally around them. To keep their planets aligned, they desperately amass power, money, or fame – but their supernova usually ends up a black hole. One way to avoid this is by helping those less fortunate than you. As Helen Keller said, “There is no better way to thank God for your sight than by giving a helping hand to someone in the dark.”
9. Embrace reality. President John Adams said, “Facts are stubborn things.” You can't change reality, so you need to face it head on. It might sound crazy, but you should seek out bad news – the earlier you find it, the earlier you can do something about it before it gets worse. Look for problems and become the solution. Nothing good ever comes of avoiding the hard truths.
10. “Solve” for the long term. It’s crucial to be deliberate about your life. One way to approach this is to ask yourself: What am I solving for? Pleasure is short-lived. Even happiness is dependent on circumstances, and temporary. But joy – or deeper satisfaction – is rooted in meaning. Joy lives beyond the moment and despite present circumstances; and it can be conjured when needed. Peace is the ultimate resolution of a life well lived. It derives from finding a oneness with a purpose outside of yourself. In your own life make peace the quest that trumps the constant allure of pleasure.

Consider keeping your own list of what you want to impart to your kids before they leave home. Even if you never show it to them directly, it'll serve as a map in case you need to make a few of your own course corrections.

****http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20131210073603-11846967-10-things-to-teach-kids-before-they-leave-home?trk=tod-home-art-list-large_0&goback=%2Evjs_9797418_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1_*1

Motivation: Missing in Today's Schools

In schools all over the nation, there are children who suffer from a lack of motivation. Some children, who were once eager learners, have lost the desire to learn as the years have passed. Why is this? What could cause a straight "A" student's grades to slip and continue to stay in a slump until the end of high school? Why do other activities become more important than that of learning?
 

"Motivation focuses on the intention to learn" and can be general or specific (Yount 1996, 278). General motivation incorporates a broad attitude to learn a variety of subjects. "It resides in the learner rather than the teacher or class" (Yount 1996, 279). On the other hand, specific motivation "energizes a student toward a particular class or topic. It is more unstable, changing from class to class and topic to topic. It resides primarily in the teacher and the particular content to be learned" (Yount 1996, 279).
 

Motivation can also be either extrinsic or intrinsic. "Extrinsic motivation is impersonal and is based on rewards that originate from outside the learner. Students achieve in order to win parents' approval, or to gain the praise of their teacher, or to earn high grades" (Yount 1996, 279). These learners are passive, and when the rewards stop, the good academic behavior does also.
 

"Intrinsic motivation is based on the personal satisfaction derived from achieving learning goals. Students achieve because of their own personal desire to learn […] and master their subjects" (Yount 1996, 279). These learners are active in the learning process.
 

Motivation is the key to learning. It is a "value and a desire for learning" in the broadest sense (Jaynes 1990, 6). "Virtually all children are born with motivation to learn. It is a characteristic of the human species. Children are naturally curious explorers" (Jaynes 1990, 7). This helps young children discover the world around them. They are fascinated and mesmerized by their findings. But then they arrive at school and the motivation to learn fades as the years pass. "Reminders to study seem to replace the frequent spontaneous applause that accompanied the learning conquests of early childhood" (Jaynes 1990, 7). Learning becomes a tense subject in the home.
 

"Currently, approximately 27 percent of all children in the United States drop out of public school before high school graduation. This troublesome percentage is approaching nearly one out of two students among our ethnic poor" (Jaynes 1990, xi). Most students are capable of learning beyond what their ability seems to be, and their poor grades tend to invoke badgering and threats from their parents who are really only worried about their child being educated in a difficult business-oriented world. The parents then view their efforts to have an intelligent child as a failure. (Jaynes 1990, xi-xii).

Some people are obviously more interested in learning than others. Evidence of this can be seen not only in the lives of scientists and scholars, but also in the lives of sports fanatics, reading addicts, health nuts, and trivia buffs. These people are crazy about learning. "The problem is making learning a constant in educational institutions" (Jaynes 1990, 1). The topics just mentioned are interesting to the people studying them. However, when it comes to academic education, the majority of students are not motivated to actively pursue the required knowledge in order to excel in school. What does this say about the topics covered in the classroom? Is the way a topic is taught important in the determination of whether or not it will be interesting to the students?
 

According to Raymond Wlodkowski and Judith Jaynes, the decline of motivation to learn can be summed up in three reasons.

1. "Learning in school occurs in groups with a formalized curriculum and a constantly applied grading system" (Jaynes 1990, 7). Children do not have as much individual attention as they used to, especially since an average class size is about 30 students, each student needing some form of unique focus. Additionally, poor marks reflect failure on the student, as they are an outward expression of what the child has learned. "Grading does little to sustain a deeply felt desire for learning for the sake of learning" (Jaynes 1990, 8).
 

2. "The acquisition of advanced knowledge and skill is complex, demanding, and time-consuming, especially for the less talented" (Jaynes 1990, 8). Sometimes more time spent on a subject does not equal more knowledge gained. "For many learners, their journey into the advanced areas of greater knowledge reaches a point of diminishing returns" (Jaynes 1990, 9).
 

3. "Motivation, in general, is a limited supply of energy that must be judiciously dispensed among ourselves and our world" (Jaynes 1990, 9). In order to focus one's attention on one subject, something else must be pushed aside. A motivation to learn stands alone against all the other distractions within a student's day, and some students choose to focus on other time-consuming projects.
 

Many people have a low level of efficiency until they gain an enthusiasm and commitment to whatever they are doing. For Christians, the Holy Spirit can motivate and energize them to learn. Motivation "may be defined as overcoming of basic resistance from our Adamic human frailties, by surfacing a need and stimulating a desire for right action in the student through the work of the Holy Spirit […] it does not involve getting things done by exploiting others" (Fortosis 1986, 2).
 

Teachers (especially Christian ones) also play a big role in motivating students to learn. "He or she must be able, in the Spirit, to draw the students' attention and assist them in surfacing needs, real needs, and to find those needs resolved in the Lord's total curriculum" (Fortosis 1986, 13). Teachers can motivate students by stimulating responsibility, giving encouragement, recognizing and voicing a student's worth, leading through personal example, and by having a personal and contagious enthusiasm. (Fortosis 1986, 35-45)
 

Someone must show students the way of gaining motivation in a classroom. "Motivated readers and writers initiate and sustain literacy activities, and they choose to read and write for pleasure and for information" (Morrow 2004, 6). There are a few suggestions given to teachers by Lesley Mandel Morrow that can help to spark a student's motivation. "Create literacy-rich environments in your classroom, set up a literacy center, provide time for choice and collaboration, read to your students, use relevant reading and writing, and have high expectations for student success" (Morrow 2004, 6). Sara Quay and Russell Quaglia reinforce this idea. If a student doesn't feel comfortable in a classroom, he is "less likely to attend or participate in the course, less willing to seek out extra help, and less apt to rise to intellectual challenges" (Quay and Quaglia 2004, 1). Students need to feel that they are an important part of the classroom and their creativity will then develop, as well as their participation.
 

Students have two dimensions of motivation for learning: personal-social and task. The personal dimension deals directly with a person's inner attitude towards learning. The task dimension correlates with some sort of incentive to learn, as with a reward or punishment. (Hawley 1979, 5)

A learner's performance is influenced by his home situation, as well as how he is feeling, and what his day has been like for him. Also, students who feel poorly about themselves are less likely to invest energy and time into a project because of self-doubts. A teacher can help these students by building up the learner's self-concept and by being sensitive to the needs of her students. "When all students feel included and supported and are actively collaborating in the activities of the class, the teacher must [still] be alert to be sure that each student's needs continue to be met" (Hawley 1979, 11). This is the social dimension of motivation. (Hawley 1979, 6, 11)
 

The task dimension "refers to the specific learning to be accomplished" and is reinforced by either a reward or punishment (Hawley 1979, 12). However, the information learned is only useful if it holds personal value for the students. What is taught also has to be more than simply information. "Without some spark to jump the gas, these laundry lists of information are distant and worthless […] If we teachers can gain a clearer notion of what gives personal meaning to a fact, a concept, or an event, then perhaps we can help our students towards their own personal discoveries of meaning" (Hawley 1979, 12, 13).
 

A positive classroom environment can be achieved through various activities. If students get to know each other, it will help them be more comfortable with one another in the classroom. Students can do this by asking other students questions, as well as spending time with them. (Hawley 1979, 34)

Teachers can also restructure the classroom so it is more student-friendly. Students should be encouraged to help move desks around and shape their own learning environment. Additionally, the classroom can be improved if students bring an item from home into school until other items can be put up like student-made work, posters, and drawings. (Hawley 1979, 35)
 

Some other ideas for classroom climate improvement include a few minutes of announcement time for the students at the beginning of class, fact cards (each student writes down a random fact which is shared in class over a period of a few weeks; names of submissions are kept anonymous), and synchronizing the group by asking everyone in the class to do the same thing at the same time (clapping, cheering, laughing, etc.). These activities can help students feel more comfortable to be themselves, as well as cause them to be at ease with their peers and their teacher. School will become a place children do not dread. (Hawley 1979, 36)

The Christian teacher can do much to motivate her students. As she emulates Jesus Christ, she will run into success. Jesus used rewards and questions, was able to gain and maintain attention, and emphasized the positive. Compassion will go a long way in a classroom and students will mirror their teacher's attitude towards students, fellow teachers, and also schoolwork. It just takes time, patience, and the strength of the Father. (Yount 1996, 292-293)
 

The ultimate goal of teaching in the realm of motivation is that the learners "attribute success to effort" (Yount 1996, 291). As students work hard, their efforts will pay off. Teachers can help students get motivated by creating a comfortable classroom environment, recognizing and attending to the needs of the students, being passionate about the subject she is teaching, and making the given information fun and interesting. What is taught must also be relevant to the student's life. A student (as well as anyone) will find no value in something he or she cannot use. Each assignment should have a specific purpose, but also be fun. If the principles discussed in this paper are adhered to successfully, students will be much more motivated to learn and will become better academic achievers, not because of a reward to be gained, but because of an inner desire to learn. This attitude toward learning can then last for the rest of their lives.

Bibliography

Anderman, Lynley H. 2004. Student Motivation Across Subject-Area Domains. Journal of Educational Research 97, (6): 283. Academic Search Premier, via EbscoHost, http://www.search.epnet.com

Fortosis, Anthony C. 1986. And Gladly Motivate. Whittier: Association of Christian Schools International.

Hawley, Robert C. and Isabel L. 1979. Building Motivation in the Classroom. Amherst: Education Research Associates Press.

Jaynes, Judith H. and Raymond J. Wlodkowski. 1990. Eager to Learn: Helping Children Become Motivated and Love Learning. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.

Maslow, Phyllis and Marianne Frostig. 1973. Learning Problems in the Classroom. New York: Grune and Stratton.

Morrow, Lesley Mandel. 2004. Motivation: The forgotten factor. Reading Today 21, (5): 6. Academic Search Premier, via EbscoHost, http://www.search.epnet.com

Quay, Sara E. and Russell J. Quaglia. 2004. Creating a Classroom Culture that Inspires Student Learning. The Teaching Professor 18, (2): 1. Academic Search Premier, via EbscoHost, http://www.search.epnet.com

Yount, William R. 1996. Created to Learn. Nahville: Broadman and Holman Publishers.

http://voices.yahoo.com/motivation-missing-todays-schools-87576.html?cat=4

What Is Intrinsic Motivation?

Question: What Is Intrinsic Motivation?

Answer:

Intrinsic motivation refers to behavior that is driven by internal rewards. In other words, the motivation to engage in a behavior arises from within the individual because it is intrinsically rewarding. This contrasts with extrinsic motivation, which involves engaging in a behavior in order to earn external rewards or avoid punishments.

Consider for a moment your motivation for reading this article. If you are reading it because you have an interest in psychology and simply want to know more about the topic of motivation, then you are acting based upon intrinsic motivation. If, however, you are reading this because you have to learn the information for a class so you can avoid getting a bad grade, then you are acting based upon extrinsic motivation.

Definitions of Intrinsic Motivation

• "Intrinsic motivation occurs when we act without any obvious external rewards. We simply enjoy an activity or see it as an opportunity to explore, learn, and actualize our potentials."
  (Coon & Mitterer, 2010)

 
• "Intrinsic motivation refers to the reason why we perform certain activities for inherent satisfaction or pleasure; you might say performing one of these activities in reinforcing in-and-of itself."
  (Brown, 2007)

Intrinsic Rewards and Motivation

Researchers have discovered that offering external rewards for an already internally rewarding activity can actually make the activity less intrinsically rewarding. Why? "A person's intrinsic enjoyment of an activity provides sufficient justification for their behavior," explains author Richard A Griggs in his text Psychology: A Concise Introduction. "With the addition of extrinsic reinforcement, the person may perceive the task as overjustified and then attempt to understand their true motivation (extrinsic versus intrinsic) for engaging in the activity."

Experts also suggest that people are more creative when they are intrinsically motivated. In work settings, productivity can be increased by using extrinsic rewards such as bonuses, but the actual quality of the work performed is influenced by intrinsic factors. If you are doing something that you find rewarding, interesting, and challenging, you are more likely to come up with novel ideas and creative solutions.

Motivation to Learn

Intrinsic motivation is an important topic in education, as teachers and instructional designers strive to develop learning environments that are intrinsically rewarding. Unfortunately, many traditional paradigms suggest that most students find learning boring so they must be extrinsically goaded into educational activities. Malone and Lepper (1987) suggest that this need not be the case and identify several different ways to make learning environments that are intrinsically rewarding.

Malone and Lepper define activities as intrinsically motivating if "people engage in it for its own sake, rather than in order to receive some external reward or avoid some external punishment. We use the words fun, interesting, captivating, enjoyable, and intrinsically motivating all more or less interchangeably to describe such activities."

The factors that they identify as increasing intrinsic motivation are:

• Challenge: People are more motivated when they pursue goals that have personal meaning, that relate to their self-esteem, when performance feedback is available, and when attaining the goal is possible but not necessarily certain.

 
• Curiosity: Internal motivation is increased when something in the physical environment grabs the individual's attention (sensory curiosity) and when something about the activity stimulates the person to want to learn more (cognitive curiosity).

 
• Control: People want control over themselves and their environments and want to determine what they pursue.

 
• Cooperation and Competition: Intrinsic motivation can be increased in situations where people gain satisfaction from helping others and also in cases where they are able to compare their own performance favorably to that of others.

 
• Recognition: People enjoy having their accomplishment recognized by others, which can increase internal motivation.

Observations

"Unnecessary rewards sometimes carry hidden costs. Most people think that offering tangible rewards will boost anyone's interest in an activity. Actually, promising children a reward for a task they already enjoy can backfire. In experiments, children promised a payoff for playing with an interesting puzzle or toy later play with the toy less than do children who are not paid to play. It is as if the children think, 'If I have to be bribed into doing this, then it must not be worth doing for its own sake.'"
(Myers, 2005)

 

"The functional significance, or salience, of the event dictates whether intrinsic motivation is facilitated or diminished. For example, an athlete may perceive receiving an external reward (e.g., money, trophy) as a positive indicator of her sport competence (informational), whereas another athlete may perceive the same reward as coercion to keep her involved in the activity (controlling). Thus, the aspect of the event that is perceived as salient will determine level of autonomy and perceived competence experienced, and ultimately affect intrinsic motivation for that activity."
(Horn, 2008)

http://psychology.about.com/od/motivation/f/intrinsic-motivation.htm

Extrinsic Motivation

Definition: Extrinsic motivation refers to motivation that comes from outside an individual. The motivating factors are external, or outside, rewards such as money or grades. These rewards provide satisfaction and pleasure that the task itself may not provide.

An extrinsically motivated person will work on a task even when they have little interest in it because of the anticipated satisfaction they will get from some reward. The rewards can be something as minor as a smiley face to something major like fame or fortune. For example, an extrinsically motivated person who dislikes math may work hard on a math equation because want the reward for completing it. In the case of a student, the reward would be a good grade on an assignment or in the class.

Extrinsic motivation does not mean, however, that a person will not get any pleasure from working on or completing a task. It just means that the pleasure they anticipate from some external reward will continue to be a motivator even when the task to be done holds little or no interest. An extrinsically motivated student, for example, may dislike an assignment, may find it boring, or may have no interest in the subject, but the possibility of a good grade will be enough to keep the student motivated in order for him or her to put forth the effort to do well on a task. http://giftedkids.about.com/od/glossary/g/extrinsic.htm

Hierarchy of Needs - The Five Levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

J. Finkelstein

What motivates behavior? According to humanist psychologist Abraham Maslow, our actions are motivated in order achieve certain needs. Maslow first introduced his concept of a hierarchy of needs in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation" and his subsequent book Motivation and Personality. This hierarchy suggests that people are motivated to fulfill basic needs before moving on to other, more advanced needs.

This hierarchy is most often displayed as a pyramid. The lowest levels of the pyramid are made up of the most basic needs, while the more complex needs are located at the top of the pyramid. Needs at the bottom of the pyramid are basic physical requirements including the need for food, water, sleep, and warmth. Once these lower-level needs have been met, people can move on to the next level of needs, which are for safety and security.

As people progress up the pyramid, needs become increasingly psychological and social. Soon, the need for love, friendship, and intimacy become important. Further up the pyramid, the need for personal esteem and feelings of accomplishment take priority. Like Carl Rogers, Maslow emphasized the importance of self-actualization, which is a process of growing and developing as a person in order to achieve individual potential.

Types of Needs

Abraham Maslow believed that these needs are similar to instincts and play a major role in motivating behavior. Physiological, security, social, and esteem needs are deficiency needs (also known as D-needs), meaning that these needs arise due to deprivation. Satisfying these lower-level needs is important in order to avoid unpleasant feelings or consequences.

Maslow termed the highest-level of the pyramid as growth needs (also known as being needs or B-needs). Growth needs do not stem from a lack of something, but rather from a desire to grow as a person.

Five Levels of the Hierarchy of Needs

There are five different levels in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

1. Physiological Needs
   These include the most basic needs that are vital to survival, such as the need for water, air, food, and sleep. Maslow believed that these needs are the most basic and instinctive needs in the hierarchy because all needs become secondary until these physiological needs are met.

 
2. Security Needs
   These include needs for safety and security. Security needs are important for survival, but they are not as demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of security needs include a desire for steady employment, health care, safe neighborhoods, and shelter from the environment.

 
3. Social Needs
   These include needs for belonging, love, and affection. Maslow described these needs as less basic than physiological and security needs. Relationships such as friendships, romantic attachments, and families help fulfill this need for companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in social, community, or religious groups.

 
4. Esteem Needs
   After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem needs becomes increasingly important. These include the need for things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition, and accomplishment.

 
5. Self-actualizing Needs
   This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Self-actualizing people are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others, and interested fulfilling their potential.

Criticisms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

While some research showed some support for Maslow's theories, most research has not been able to substantiate the idea of a needs hierarchy. Wahba and Bridwell reported that there was little evidence for Maslow's ranking of these needs and even less evidence that these needs are in a hierarchical order.

Other criticisms of Maslow's theory note that his definition of self-actualization is difficult to test scientifically. His research on self-actualization was also based on a very limited sample of individuals, including people he knew as well as biographies of famous individuals that Maslow believed to be self-actualized, such as Albert Einstein and Eleanor Roosevelt. Regardless of these criticisms, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs represents part of an important shift in psychology. Rather than focusing on abnormal behavior and development, Maslow's humanistic psychology was focused on the development of healthy individuals.

While there was relatively little research supporting the theory, hierarchy of needs is well-known and popular both in and out of psychology. In a study published in 2011, researchers from the University of Illinois set out to put the hierarchy to the test. What they discovered is that while fulfillment of the needs was strongly correlated with happiness, people from cultures all over the reported that self-actualization and social needs were important even when many of the most basic needs were unfulfilled.

http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/hierarchyneeds.htm

Independent Living Skills

WHAT ARE INDEPENDENT LIVING SKILLS? Independent Living Skills are the skills needed to perform everyday tasks. We can assist you in learning a variety of these skills to help you become more independent.
HOME MANAGEMENT • Maintaining your household • Preparing nutritious meals • Laundering	TIME • Understanding concept of time • Using a clock to plan activities • Using a calendar appropriately
HEALTH AND SAFETY • Maintaining good personal health • Scheduling medications • Preparing for medical emergencies	TRANSPORTATION • Utilizing public transportation • Scheduling transportation
COMMUNITY SERVICES • Shopping behaviors • Attending entertainment venues • Using public services	CLOTHING MAINTENANCE • Caring for clothing • Selecting appropriate wardrobe • Repairing clothing
MONEY MANAGEMENT • Budgeting your money • Maintaining your checking account • Understanding SSI/SSDI	GROOMING • Maintaining good hygiene habits • Using cosmetics and cologne appropriately • Toileting
SOCIALIZATION SKILLS • Understanding of social etiquette • Utilizing appropriate manners • Learning how to deal with others	DRIVERS MANUAL/TEST • Studying for driving test • Applying for proper documentation
KNOWLEDGE OF ADA • Understanding your rights http://www.hired-hands.org/skills.htm

Life Skills Your Teen Needs to Be Independent Parents, Help Teens Be Successful at Living Independently

If your parenting goes as normally planned, your teen or young adult will at some point leave home and live independently. Life Skills will help your teen be independent and able to live on their own, which is the goal of a successful young adult and their parents. But it isn't easy. Older teens often feel they can take the big step towards independent living without possessing all of the life skills they will need to succeed in the world at large. Therefore, they start out at an disadvantage by not getting the confidence a person gains by learning an independent living skill and not having the ability to do the life skill. This makes the transition from a teen at home to their life as a young adult harder. Sometimes it's so hard, they come back home. If you are raising foster teens or teens in a children's home - as I have - coming back home isn't an option. With my own children, it is an option, but not one I want them to take.

 

 

When teens learn how to deal with an emergency, they are less likely to panic if they are faced with one.

Richard Price / Getty Images

You can help your teen be independent by encouraging good habits and helping them learn the life skills it takes to be independent. Here I have listed fifteen life skills your teen will need to learn in order to be successful at living independently the first time they are on their own:

1. The Ability to Cope with Loneliness
   Coping with loneliness is a very important skill on my list of needed independent living skills for teens because every teen I've ever known has needed it. Teens who know how to recognize loneliness as the temporary feeling it is, use their support system and work through their loneliness do just fine.
2. Finding and Keeping a Job Skills
   In order to live independently, your teen will need to have a job. The job will need to make enough money to cover their living expenses, at minimum. Today's happy young adult has a job that contributes to a high quality of life and not just monetarily. Here are the skills your teen will need to have in order to find and keep jobs that contribute to a high quality of life.
3. The Ability to Procure and Cook Food
4. Health and Hygiene Skills
   In order for your teen to be happy while they live independently, they will need to be successful at keeping their bodies healthy and clean. These life skills are taught throughout your teen's childhood and adolescence by encouraging good hygiene routines and healthy habits.
5. Transportation Skills Or The Ability to Get from One Place to Another
   One life skill that teens need to learn to become independent but generally leave to their parents or caregivers, is transportation or getting from Point A to Point B. Here is a list of transportation lessons - and experiences if you can swing it - that your teen will benefit from learning now, while you are still able to help.
6. General Housekeeping Skills
7. Money Skills
8. Interpersonal Skills
9. Goal Setting and Obtaining Skills
   Defining what it is you want is called setting a goal. Figuring out and taking the actions you need to get your goal is how you obtain that goal. Both of these are important life skills. Learning how to set and obtain a goal are necessary life skills your teen will need to be a happy and successful adult.
10. Ability to Find Housing
11. Time Management Skills
    When teens learn how to use their time wisely, they not only get more tasks accomplished, they feel good about themselves and their abilities. Learn how to teach your teen personal time management skills.
12. The Ability to Find What You Need in Your Community
13. The Ability to Deal with Emergencies
    When your team has to deal with an emergency, there will be no time for them to think. Therefore, it is imperative parents take the time to teach their teens how to deal with emergencies while they are at home– and I'm talking more than just knowing how to dial 911. Here is some advice on how to do just that.
14. Stress Management Skills
15. Personal Safety Skills

Does your teen need to know all of ins and outs of each skill well? No. Your teen may even get by not having to know one particular skill at all. For instance, a young man who has no idea how to do laundry may have a girlfriend who does. This young man may be able to get his interpersonal skills to help with his household skills by convincing his girlfriend to help with his laundry. But, do your best at teaching your teen each skill as if they will need it. This will give them the greatest chance of being successful at living independently the first time they live on their own.

http://parentingteens.about.com/od/agesandstages/a/Life-Skills-Teens-Teaching-Independent-Living.htm

How To Delegate a Responsibility to Your Teen

As children get older, they are capable of more and more responsibility. Smart parents who recognize this are able to give their teen chores or other responsibilities that used to be done by the parent. Not only can these tasks be given to a teen, but a parent can expect that the task will be completed properly. All a parent needs to do is delegate.

 

Here's How:

1. Clear communication is a must. Be clear about the responsibility you want completed.
   
   
2. Explain to your teenager that taking on responsibilities leads to learning self-confidence. It also helps you know that your teen is capable of handling responsibility and therefore, may lead to more priviledges.
   
   
3. If the task is a multi-part task, write out the directions on how to get it done. For example, if you want the bathroom cleaned list what needs cleaned and what to cleaner to use.
   
   
4. Allow your teen to do the task independently. Do not stand over him/her.
   
   
5. Go back and check that your teen has completed the responsibility to your satisfaction.
   
   
6. If your teen has completed the task to your satisfaction, thank him/her. Do this every time the task is completed correctly.
   
   
7. If your teen has not completed the task to your satisfaction, explain what needs to be done to get it right and ask that he/she try again next time. Check step #3 and repeat step #4 through step #7 next time.

Tips:

1. Do not get into a battle of wills on any given week. Let your teen know your expectations and that you’ll be ready to check again the following time the task needs to be done.
   
   
2. Do you feel you have open communication with your teen? http://parentingteens.about.com/od/behavioranddiscipline/ht/delegate_teen.htm

How to Raise a Teenager Successfully

Successfully raising a teen is no simple task. It requires time, attention and effort. Plus, parents don't get to know if they've done a good job until their teen is grown. In other words, in order for a parent to feel like they've been successful at raising their teen, they need to feel their teen is successful in their own lives. So, keeping in mind that the reward is in the future, let's explore some parenting teens tips that will help you raise your teen successfully.

 

Keep your eye on the goal. The goal for every parent is to raise a happy young adult who is capable of having the best that life offers them. We can all agree on that. But that said, it can sometimes seem almost impossible to do. It's true. There are times when things can look bleak while raising a teen. But purposefully remembering the goal - where you tell yourself at least weekly - will help you and your teen through these times. This maundra turns the hard times into more of a 'lesson to be learned' then an 'end-game'. When parents do this, they find it's harder to get bogged down in the pettiness of power struggles with their teens and the tasks of daily life while it gets easier to set smaller goals along their teen's journey of growing up.

Learn to communicate with your teen. Communication with teens encompasses so much more than just talking to them. It includes a need for parents to convey their unconditional love of their teen, employ a discipline that works for both the teen and parent, show a teen how to successfully use the world around them and more. Sometimes communication with teens means no communicating. By the time your child is a teen, parents should know body language that points to the fact that something is wrong - or something is right. But because your child is a teen, they might not share what is wrong or what is wrong may just be the growing pains of the teen years. Parents of teens will be willing to not bug their teen and just keep an ear out for when their teen does want to talk - and an eye out for any trouble.
Build your teen's confidence and self-esteem. When your raise a confident young adult with a healthy self-esteem, they go on to do things in their lives that bring happiness and joy to themselves and those around them. They are not afraid to achieve or to do the work it takes to achieve their best. You can be less worried about what is going on in your teen's world when they have a strong self-esteem because that means they will be able to make the right choices.

Support your teen's need for individuality. Children need time to become who they will be. We know people don't just start out being who they are. But parents do have a glimpse and can help guide their teen by supporting their teens choices in activities, hobbies and friends. Being available to drive your teen to practice, purchasing art supplies and seeking out opportunities for your teen to develop strong friendships are all things parents, who want to be successful at raising their teen, can do to support their teen's individuality.

Employ fair and firm discipline. Discipline changes as your child grows up and becomes a teenager. But it doesn't stop. Your teen will still need your guidance and discipline. You will still need to say 'no'. You will still need to have consequences in place if your teen refuses to adhere to your family's rules. Basically, fair and firm discipline is you, the parent, creating a discipline plan for your teen that is fair to both of you and sticking to it using a firm and loving approach. When you employ the fair and firm discipline approach your teen will learn the value of doing what is right along with how to take responsibility for their actions. It's a win-win that leads directly to raising your teen successfully.

Teach your teen life skills. Life skills are those abilities you need to make it in the world outside of your family's home. For instance, can your teen cook? Or do they know how to use a bank account? These skills help a teen not only survive, but thrive when they begin to live on their own. Parents need to be aware of the tasks they do for their teens and be sure their teens are capable of successfully doing them too.
http://parentingteens.about.com/od/familylife/a/How-To-Raise-A-Teenager-Successfully-Raising-Teens.htm

The TALK Model of Parenting High-Tech Children, Teens and Young Adults

In a typical family system there should be a hierarchy of knowledge and power with the parents at the top and the children at the bottom. When it comes to technology, however, often that hierarchy gets turned upside down. When children know more about technology than their parents, parents can feel intimidated by how facile their children are with new media, often even before the parents know that something new exists. My computer consultant, Michael, is 10 and he has been helping me out of technology problems since he was 9. This is not a joke. He simply knows more about it than I do and he has been extremely helpful and knowledgeable, regardless of the problem I present.

Dealing with technology in a family system takes special care and in my 2008 book, Me, MySpace, and I: Parenting the Net Generation, I introduced the TALK Model of Parenting. I realize that MySpace is not the rage it once was, and four years in real time is equal to decades in techno-time, but the model is still valid and useful in our post-MySpace, social media, electronically-tethered world. Here are the components:

 

"T" is for Trust

With the media constantly highlighting scary aspects of the online world -- particularly for teens -- it is imperative that parents develop an environment of trust between themselves and their high-tech children, teens and even young adults. In a perfect world, parents should start the process by instituting weekly family meetings as soon as their children use ANY form of media or technology. Yes, this includes television. As soon as your kids start watching TV or you hand them your iPhone or iPad to keep them occupied, you should have family meetings. When kids are young these meetings should last no more than five minutes and the time should increase to no more than 15 minutes when they become teenagers. Everyone sits on the floor -- roughly equalizing height and, therefore, perceived power -- and the parents start by asking a question about technology. With little ones it might be something along the lines of, "What is your favorite TV show and what do you like about it?" My rule is that parents ask a question and then sit back and listen with a nonjudgmental attitude (and a smile on their faces) and use their parental radar to listen carefully for signs of potential issues. Being nonjudgmental helps develop trust. As the children age the talks lengthen and the questions focus more on psychological issues. For a teenager, I might ask something like, "I have heard that some kids get bullied online. Do you know anyone who has been bullied? What happened and how did they feel (or how do you think they felt)?" Then sit back and listen (and smile). Weekly meetings develop trust so that when your child encounters something online or anywhere in their electronic world that makes them uncomfortable they will come to you for your help.

There are also some parenting strategies that make developing trust more difficult. Checking your child's computer without their knowledge, installing technological filters (regardless of whether your child is aware of them or not) and severe, reactive punishments for misuse of technology all work against developing a sense of trust. Don't believe that your children won't know if you check up on them clandestinely. They will figure it out. Don't believe that if you install a filter on your child's computer they won't be able to figure out a workaround. Google "workaround" followed by the name of any tracking program, and you will find websites that show how to disable the software or even how to circumvent it without the installer (you) being aware that it is no longer functional.

 

"A" is for Assess

You should not allow children or even teenagers to use technology behind closed doors. Research shows that those children who have technology in their bedrooms -- in what I term a "TechnoCocoon" -- are more likely to have problems surrounding their use including sleep difficulties and misuse of the technology. Ideally, technology should be placed in a common area and parents should be able to observe at any time. If that is not possible, and the technology needs to be in a bedroom, parents need to institute an open-door policy whereby they are allowed to walk in and look at what is on the screen or examine text messages or whatever activity is ongoing. Beware that your kids may suddenly close windows or hide screens when you walk by. Practice good behavioral parenting and set up contingencies for this occurrence. For example, if you think that your teenager is closing screens he doesn't want you to see, then set up a contingent punishment schedule such as: "The first time you close a screen you will lose your computer use for an hour. The second time it will double to two hours, and then four hours and so on." By the way, if you have no idea how to tell if your teenager closed a screen, ask him to show you how to access the history on his computer. That's where you will find the screens that were open and are now closed. If the history has been cleared that is a sign that your teen doesn't want you to see what he has been doing (and also should lead to the same penalties).

I highly recommend that you practice what is called "co-viewing," which is a term from television research where you watch TV with your kids and then discuss what you just saw on the screen in order to help them better understand and integrate the show material. You can do the same with computers. Sit down with your kids and ask them to show you stuff on the computer, smartphone or tablet -- interesting websites, new apps, new games -- and then talk to them about how they are using them and what they feel about any potential issues of problems.

As a special case of "A" you should plan to visit your teen's or young adult's social media sites. I tell parents to inform their kids that in 24 hours from now, you will sit with them and go through their Facebook page or whatever social media they use. This gives them time to clean it up and make it parent-ready. Have them show you what is there. Click on the links to friends' pages, particularly any "friends" that you do not know personally. And let them know that after this first look-see you will be stopping in periodically with no warning to see how they are doing. This should be fodder for a family discussion!

 

"L" is for Learn

You have to learn about the technologies that your kids are using. You don't have to be an expert but you do need to keep tabs on what is new in their virtual worlds. The best way is to ask your kids regularly to show you new stuff. Over time, they develop a sense of pride in their knowledge and skills and also you develop more of that trust that is one cornerstone of this model. Also ask your kids' friends parents what their kids are using and make it a habit to check in with any families where your kids spend a lot of time. When my younger daughter was growing up she used to do her homework at a neighbor's house with a girl in her classes and a third girl, whose parents did not allow her any Internet access during the school week, often joined them. Guess what they were doing? Yep! Hanging out on the Internet. You need to form an alliance with your children's parents and make a pact that everyone share what the kids are doing with technology at their homes, whether it is watching television (and particularly what channels they are allowed to watch), playing video games, surfing the net or using their smartphones. It is difficult enough to establish technology rules and guidelines for your own home, but it is imperative that you factor in other places where your children may encounter technology.

 

"K" is for Communicate

The other cornerstone of the TALK Model of Parenting is communication. (Yes, I know that "communication" starts with a "C" and not a "K," but a TALC Model of Parenting sounds too much like baby powder.) Communication means making opportunities to talk to your children about technology. The weekly family meetings that I described earlier will promote communication, particularly if you spend the majority of the time listening rather than commenting. Family dinners are an excellent time to talk about technology. Once again, it is important that dinner be a time without technology (and that means that mom and dad can't check their phones during dinner and the television must be turned off). If your family is having trouble ditching technology for a 45-minute dinner then try using "tech breaks" that I described in an earlier Huffington Post blog entitled, "Helping Your Children Study Amidst Distracting Technologies."

The key to communicating with your kids about technology is to ask them lots of open-ended questions relevant to their developmental age. As I mentioned earlier with family meetings, when they are young, ask very concrete questions such as "What is your favorite app on mommy's iPad?" As they get older you can ask more "social" questions such as "What's your favorite TV show?" or "Why do you like to text your friends?" or "What is fun about watching videos on YouTube?" or even, as they get older, "Do you know anyone who has been bullied online? What happened and how did they feel?" You can see that as your children get older, the topics evolve and involve more processing of their feelings. If you have been working on developing trust then they will be eager to talk about these issues. It is really all about Trust and "K"ommunication! Use any opportunity to foster both and don't let your kids escape through technology.

The American Pediatric Association says to avoid television and other media technologies for infants and children under age 2. That is a great guideline but, as all parents know, kids love technology and are attracted to it no matter what it is. And with such attractive technologies as tablets, smartphones and other portable technologies, it is very easy to entertain your child with technology. I have two rules of thumb that I teach parents. First and foremost is that when you infant or child is using technology they should not be alone. You should practice co-viewing and sit with your child and interact with them about what they are seeing and hearing. I just sat with a 6-month-old and tried out an iPad app called "Laugh & Learn (by Fisher-Price). All it involves is touching the screen to release a colorful heart, square, triangle or circle, which jump around and send out all sort of sparkles and talk to you telling what they are and what they are doing. Simple by adult standards, but the 6-month-old loved it for about five minutes. Yes, this is a form of media, but it is also a learning tool and stimulates the imagination.

My second rule of thumb is that the ratio of screen time to real-world time should be one to five for the youngest ones, meaning that for every minute of screen time there should be five minutes of non-screen time. So, the 6-month-old now needs some real-world time for 25 minutes. I took him outside, showed him flowers, let him try to shove one in his mouth, and then had him practice crawling (you should see how hard he will try to crawl to get at that iPad!).

As children get older they are going to want more media so the 1:5 ratio now starts to change to 2:5 and so on, so that when kids are in their preteens, the ratio should be 5:5 and then as they get older it will, by the nature of social media and e-communication, should end up at 5:1 when they are teenagers. HOWEVER, and this is important, the majority of this tech time should be spent co-viewing.

There are many ways to parent your high-tech children, teens and young adults surrounding their world of technology. The TALK Model is just one way that I have found helps parents flexibly engage their children while managing their technology use.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-larry-rosen/talk-model_b_2152745.html