Help Your Child Develop Good Judgment

Many adults are crippled with indecision when faced with difficult choices.  Others, worse yet, make self-destructive choices and repeatedly demonstrate poor judgment.  But no one is born with good judgment and the ability to make wise decisions.  Good judgment and decision-making skills develop from experience combined with reflection.  As one sage noted, "Judgment develops from experience.  Good judgment develops from bad experience."

Your goal is to give your child experience in making decisions, and make sure she has the opportunity to reflect on them and learn.  You also want to raise a child who feels good about herself, so that she takes pleasure in making good decisions, rather than bad ones.  Research shows that kids who've been treated less than kindly get used to feeling bad, so as teens and adults they make decisions that make them feel bad.

How can you help your child develop good judgment?

1. Practice makes perfect.  Give your child practice making choices even before she begins talking and she'll never have a problem making decisions.  (Who cares if the stripes and flowers clash?  She thinks she looks like a rainbow.  And if other people can’t figure out that she dressed herself, you don’t really care about their opinion of your parenting, do you?)

2. Be clear about his span of control.  Emphasize what he has the right to make decisions about, and what areas you as the parent retain the right to exert control over. 

With toddlers: “Yes, I guess you may wear your superman outfit again, although you’ve worn it every day this week.  You’re in charge of your own clothes.  But you’ll need to change before we go to services, because there we dress up to show respect.  And you’ll need to brush your teeth. Do you want to do it now or before we leave the house?” 

With preteens: "You can invite your friends for Friday night dinner if you want, but you're expected to have dinner with the family on Friday night as usual.  You can either go to the movies with your friends after dinner on Friday, or on Saturday."

3. Consciously help your child develop good judgment. Many people never develop good judgment because their experience isn't accompanied by reflection.  Help him to make decisions consciously (“How will you decide what piece to play for the recital?”) and to think through the possible repercussions of various choices before he makes them (“I wonder if you’ll feel too pressured about getting your homework done if you add another after-school activity.”)

Just as important, offer her the opportunity to reflect on how her decisions worked out (“I know you were worried about having a threesome this afternoon.  Are you glad you invited Clarisse to join you and Ellie for the playdate?”) 

4. Model decision making.  Share how and why you make decisions from the time your child is tiny. ("I think I'll bring an umbrella on our walk. It looks like rain." "I’m going to try the salmon; it's really good for you."  “I’d like our family to help with the drive for school supplies; all children deserve a good education, and this is one way to help.")

5. Know that it's ok for your child to make bad decisions. He's still learning about himself as well as about life. It's just more opportunity for reflection and the development of good judgment, as long as you help him consider afterwards how things could have been different if he had made different choices. Teens have more decision making latitude, and they're bound to make some bad decisions.  Just try to resist the universal impulse to say “I told you so,” and they'll learn from them.

6. Give your children control of their own decision-making as it becomes age appropriate.  What's age appropriate?  The list below will give you a frame of reference, but obviously, you'll need to adapt this chart to your own child and your family circumstances.  Remember to slowly build the degree of freedom and responsibility you offer your child, giving them as much help as they need to handle each level until they master it comfortably.

Each section covers a number of years; children in the lowest ages of that range are just beginning to handle the listed items.

Responsibilities Toddlers can be in charge of:

• Their own bodies, within the limits of safety and decency.
• Cleaning up their own messes. (“That’s ok. Get the paper towels off the counter and let’s clean that milk up.  We always clean up our own messes.”)
• What to wear (within the limits of appropriate season, safety, and decency.)
• Amount of food to eat  (You provide the selection. They decide how much.)
• Getting the food into their mouths. (Unless they want help.)
• What book to read, even if you're reading to them.
• What toys to play with.
• What toys to share (others get put away before friends arrive)
• When to use the potty. (You offer: “Do you need to use the potty before we leave the house?”  But they need to check in with their own body and get to know its signals.  Unless you want to be in charge of their toileting for years to come?)

Responsibilities Preschoolers (3-5) can be in charge of:

All of the above, plus:

• Their own clothes (Choosing them, within your parameters. Maintaining them, by keeping them in reasonably neat piles by category.)
• Their own rooms (within reasonable neatness parameters. They decide what they want on the walls, within reasonable limits.  Parents will need to help them organize their stuff and teach them how to clean up.)
• How much to eat.
• What to eat (within appropriate nutritional guidelines. This only works if you limit accessibility of junk food.  It does mean you have to decide what to do when they don't like what you've fixed for dinner. In our house, they have to try one bite, then they can get a yogurt if they want. Yogurts rarely win out.)
• Who to play with and when.
• Whether to attend social events to which she is invited (excluding mandatory family events.)
• Who is allowed in his room.

Responsibilities School-Age Children (6 to 9) can be in charge of:

All of the above, plus:

• How to wear their hair (within appropriate grooming standards).
• Clearing their place from the table.
• Simple chores around the house
• How to spend their allowance
• Completing their homework
• Getting their school backpack ready the night before
• How to spend their time (after basic responsibilities like homework are accomplished.)
• Whether to play an instrument or take a class.
• What sport or physical activity to engage in (Given the research on this, physical activity in our house is non-negotiable, but they get to choose the type.)
• Fixing simple food for themselves for snacks and lunch.

Responsibilities Preteens & Tweens (10-12) can be in charge of:

All of the above, plus:

• Packing their school lunch
• Self-grooming: nails, hair, etc.
• Make (or help make) the family contributions for the class bake sale and other events.
• Walk with a friend from one point to another within the neighborhood as long as a parent always knows where they are. (We live in New York, and bought our kids cell phones at this age.  Their early usage was mostly limited to calling parents.)
• Staying alone in the house, with certain rules about who can be with them.

Responsibilities Early Adolescents (13-15) can be in charge of:

All of the above, plus:

• Getting themselves up in the morning (you may need to be the backup plan.)
• Doing their own laundry (eliminates you feeling like the maid when they suddenly need a certain item.)
• Temporary changes in appearance (i.e., permanent tattoos are out in my family till they’re eighteen, but temporary ones are their choice. Piercings are discussed on an as-requested basis, and are discouraged because of the risk of infection and permanent scarring.)
• Riding the bus and subway (some families require that this be with a friend.)
• Going to movies with friends.
• Earning spending money by babysitting or other jobs.
• Budgeting their own spending.
• http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/child-character/judgment

How to Prepare Your Teen for the Real World

As a parent of a teenager I often find myself amazed that time has gone by so quickly. It seems like only yesterday she was an infant in my arms. But I know that the time is very quickly coming when she will be leaving the nest and finding her own way in the world. Frankly, that thought scares me. Not so much because I'm afraid of losing her, but rather because I'm afraid that she's not ready. So how do we make sure that our teens are ready to face the world on their own.

There are things you can do to ensure that your teenager is ready for a life of her own. As they grow older they will start to show more independence, and want to do things without mom and dad. While it may be hurtful at times to think that your child doesn't want to be around you, you must understand that it is just one of the way your teen is maturing. Now is the time to help her get ready.

1. Understanding the real world.

Up until now your teen has had a somewhat sheltered life. They have been cared for by you. You have made sure they were fed, clothed and had a roof over their head. Although teens are usually very smart, they may not quite understand how the real world works.

One of the best things your teen can do to prepare for life in the real world is to get a job. They may not like it, but it will be beneficial to them. It will not only allow them to be able to purchase extra things that they want, but it will also help teach them responsibility and the importance of money.

Once your teen starts working and receives her first paycheck, sit with her and talk about money. Get a pen and paper and write down how much her paycheck is. Then, on paper, show her how much it costs to live. Once your teen sees the figures on paper she will quickly realize that there probably isn't enough in her paycheck to cover the basics. That's when you teach her about needs versus wants and the importance of saving.

Another important aspect of having a job is the responsibility of keeping it. Most teenagers get tired of doing things every day. Or they may decide they don't like their job or their boss. They need to understand that that's the way life is. They may be tempted to quit their job when they tire of it. You should explain to them that just because they don't like something, they can't just quit. If they quit their job as a teenager just because they don't like it, they will be setting a dangerous precedent for their entire lives.

2. Emotions

We all know that the world can be a very scary place most of the time. Your teen, however, probably doesn't understand the extent of the dangers and frightening situations waiting for her out there. Now is the perfect time to explain things to her.

Let her know that she will soon be relying on herself for everything. She will be responsible for clothing herself, for stocking her refrigerator and for maintaining a household on her own. Ask her how she feels about that. She will probably tell you that it scares her very much. That's understandable and expected. After all, she's never actually faced the real world on her own.

Make sure she understands that, while she will be working to pay for her own way, you will always be there to catch her if she should fall.

As the time draws nearer for her to leave the nest and start life on her own, be there for her. Help her find her first apartment. Help her find furnishings that she can afford. Take her grocery shopping and teach her that frozen pizza and soda is not the only things on the shelf. In short, teach her how to live.

http://goarticles.com/article/How-to-Prepare-Your-Teen-for-the-Real-World/4768630/

10 Commitments That Will Make You a Better Parent

Being a parent is tough.  Most of us feel like we could do a better job, but resolving to be more patient rarely works.  That's because sometimes the first step to being a better parent is actually about how we treat ourselves.  We can only give what we have inside.  And if we can't manage our own emotions. we can't expect our kids to learn to manage theirs.

But if you want to become a more inspired parent – and a happier person – that’s completely possible.  I’ve seen countless parents do it.  How? Step by step.  

• Start by committing yourself. 
• Envision what your life will look like when you keep this commitment, and how you'll feel. Notice how much closer you feel to your child.  Notice how much happier your child is, and how much more cooperative.
• Revisit your commitment daily, including your image of how keeping that commitment makes you feel. (You're programming your subconscious.) 
• When you mess up (and you will, if you’re human), offer yourself total compassion, apologize to your child, and take a positive step in your desired direction. Two steps forward, one step back still takes you where you want to go. 
• Make a small positive change every day.  Find support (like my free daily emails) and give yourself constant cheerleading.  At first you'll see small changes. But sooner or later, small changes add up to big changes.

Wondering where to begin?  Here are 10 Commitments that will make you a better parent – and a happier person. Start with one, or commit to all ten. I’ll be here to support you each step of the way.

1. Commit to taking care of yourself and staying centered so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily sustainable self-nurturing into your life: Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested, eat healthfully to maintain your mood, transform any inner negative voices into encouraging ones, and slow down your pace so you can enjoy your life.  Most important of all, commit to managing yourself.  When your emotions are dysregulated,  you're in fight or flight, and your child looks like the enemy.  Calm yourself before you engage with your child.

2. Commit to loving the one you’re with. The one thing we know for certain about child development is that kids who feel loved and cherished thrive.  That doesn’t mean kids who ARE loved – plenty of kids whose parents love them don’t thrive. The kids who thrive are the ones who FEEL loved and cherished for exactly who they are.  Every child is unique, so it takes a different approach for that child to feel seen and loved. The hard work for us as parents is accepting who our child is, warts and all – and cherishing him or her for being that person, even while guiding behavior.  The secret? See it from his perspective, use a positive lens, and celebrate every step in the right direction.

3. Commit to staying connected.  Separation happens.  That’s why we have to repeatedly reconnect. Remember that quality time is about connection, not teaching, so it’s mostly unstructured.  Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, roughhouse, laugh, listen some more.) Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family.  Eat dinner together.  Have a chat and a silent snuggle at bedtime every night with each child.

4. Commit to role modeling respect. Want to raise kids who are considerate and respectful, right through the teen years?  Take a deep breath, and speak to them respectfully.  Not always easy when you’re angry, so remember the cardinal rules of managing your emotions with kids:  You’re the role model, don’t take it personally, and this too shall pass!

5. Commit to teaching emotional intelligence.  In addition to modeling emotional self management, we help kids learn to manage their emotions by:

• Teaching them to self-soothe.  Contrary to what you may have heard, little ones don't learn to self-soothe by being left to cry.  (That just creates an over-active amygdala and panic response later in life.) As anyone who has ever tried to calm herself down knows, soothing is a physiological process.  When a baby cries and we soothe him, his body responds by sending out oxytocin and other soothing biochemicals.  What you see is that he calms down. What’s happening biologically is that he’s solidifying the neural pathways for these self-soothing hormones.  That's how he develops the ability to soothe himself when he's upset. 
• Giving them the message that their full range of feelings is understandable, even while their actions must be limited. (“You wish you could have a cookie”)
• Empathizing with their emotions. 
• Listening to them when they have feelings to express.  Occasionally this will take the form of words, and it helps to give kids words for their feelings:  “You’re so mad!"  But more often, children just need us to give them the safety of our loving presence while they cry or rage to vent their feelings.  Often they won't be able to articulate what they're upset about, and it isn't necessary.  But this helps kids learn to accept and process their emotions, so they can move past them rather than having to act on them. (That's what "acting out" means -- we act on our feelings rather than simply tolerating them as they sweep through us and dissipate.)

6. Commit to looking for the needs behind your child’s behavior. Your kid has a reason for whatever he’s doing that displeases you. It might not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s what’s motivating his behavior.  If yelling at him about his behavior were going to change it, that would have worked already.  Only by addressing the underlying need do we change a person’s behavior.  Parents who address kids’ need pre-emptively by noticing problem areas (“Hmm….looks like she wants to choose her own clothes, even if they don’t match!”) are rewarded with kids who cooperate.

7. Commit to guidance rather than punishment.  Kids only behave to please us. When we constantly criticize and discipline, they harden their hearts to us. Parents who lead by loving example, address needs rather than focusing on misbehavior, redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“You can throw the ball outside”), and set limits empathically (“You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel”) end up with self-disciplined kids who WANT to behave.

8. Commit to remembering what’s important and an attitude of gratitude. Stay positive and choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over. Be grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.

9. Commit to radical self-acceptance and compassion.  Want to feel more love in your heart?  Give it to yourself! Love is a verb.  Yes, love can just happen – but we only make more (and feel more) by giving it away. And we can only give our children as much love as our own hearts can hold.  Go ahead – stretch your heart.  Every time you feel bad, for any reason, offer yourself love. You’ll be amazed how your life transforms.

10. Keep Perspective.  Sure, your kids will make mistakes, and so will you. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no perfect families.  But there are families who live in the embrace of great love, where everyone thrives. The only way to create that kind of family is to make daily choices that take you in that direction.  It's not magic, just the hard work of course correction to stay on the right path.  But if you look for it, you can always find trail marks and support to beckon you onward to a more rewarding life.  Just keep taking positive steps.  Before you know it, you'll find yourself in a whole new landscape.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/Resolutions-better-parent

Six Tips for Raising Teenagers

3 Tips That Work - How To Raise Financially Independent Teens

Have you ever wondered if you really know your teens, if they are really prepared for a life on their own, to make good choices, good decision? If they are truly prepared for a life of financial self-reliance?

Here are awesomely simple 3 TIPS for you. 

1 Teach Your Teen The Basic Banking Skills

2 Help Your Teen To Learn How To Make Good Choices By Giving Them Allowances

3 Teach Your Teen The Basic Principles About Borrowing And Lending Money - The Integrity And Honesty Connected With It.