Friday, 28 March 2014
Thursday, 27 March 2014
How To Build A Good Relationship With Your Children
Guess:
A. Europe
B. Africa
C. Amerika
Handling Conflict
Almost from the time our kids can talk, there are conflicts we need to work through with them, from an impending move ("I'm not going!") to sibling jealousy 
to our teens' more serious infractions. If you can control your emotions and keep the situation safe, your child may be able to stop attacking and start sharing. That’s when break-throughs happen. How can you master the art of the tough conversation?
to our teens' more serious infractions. If you can control your emotions and keep the situation safe, your child may be able to stop attacking and start sharing. That’s when break-throughs happen. How can you master the art of the tough conversation?
1. Don't take it personally. Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten year old huffs "Mom, you never understand!" Your four year old screams "I hate you, Daddy!"
What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! This isn't really about you. It's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions. When your daughter says "You NEVER understand!" try to hear that as information about her -- at this moment she feels like she's never understood -- rather than about you.
Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when we’re hurt: either close off, or lash out, or both. Which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned.
2. Manage your own feelings and behavior. The only one you can control in this situation is yourself. That means you:
• Take a deep breath.
• Let the hurt go.
• Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment.
• Consciously lower your voice.
• Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.
• Notice if your “story” is making you upset (“But she lied to me!”) and if necessary expand the story to change your emotional response: (“My daughter was so afraid of my reaction that she lied to me. I guess I need to look at how I respond when she tells me bad news.”)
3. Reconnect with your love and empathy for your child.
You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment. I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait until you can before you set limits.
4. Always start the conversation by acknowledging your child’s position, as near as you can make it out. That takes him off the defensive so he can hear you. Let him take off from your comments to correct and elaborate; reflect his corrections so he knows you recognize his side.
5. Extend respect. Remember that more than one perspective can be true at once. Assume your child has a reason for her views or behavior. It may not be what you would consider a good reason, but she has a reason. If you want to understand her, you’ll need to extend her the basic respect of trying to see things from her point of view. Say whatever you need to say and then close your mouth and listen.
6. Keep the conversation safe for everyone. People can’t hear when they’re upset. If they don’t feel safe, they generally withdraw or attack. If you notice your child getting angry, scared or hurt, back up and reconnect. Remind her – and yourself – how much you love her, and that you’re committed to finding a solution that works for everyone.
7. Try hard to avoid making your child defensive. Instead:
2. Manage your own feelings and behavior. The only one you can control in this situation is yourself. That means you:
• Take a deep breath.
• Let the hurt go.
• Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment.
• Consciously lower your voice.
• Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.
• Notice if your “story” is making you upset (“But she lied to me!”) and if necessary expand the story to change your emotional response: (“My daughter was so afraid of my reaction that she lied to me. I guess I need to look at how I respond when she tells me bad news.”)
3. Reconnect with your love and empathy for your child.
You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment. I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait until you can before you set limits.
4. Always start the conversation by acknowledging your child’s position, as near as you can make it out. That takes him off the defensive so he can hear you. Let him take off from your comments to correct and elaborate; reflect his corrections so he knows you recognize his side.
5. Extend respect. Remember that more than one perspective can be true at once. Assume your child has a reason for her views or behavior. It may not be what you would consider a good reason, but she has a reason. If you want to understand her, you’ll need to extend her the basic respect of trying to see things from her point of view. Say whatever you need to say and then close your mouth and listen.
6. Keep the conversation safe for everyone. People can’t hear when they’re upset. If they don’t feel safe, they generally withdraw or attack. If you notice your child getting angry, scared or hurt, back up and reconnect. Remind her – and yourself – how much you love her, and that you’re committed to finding a solution that works for everyone.
7. Try hard to avoid making your child defensive. Instead:
- Use “I” statements to describe your feelings (“It scares me when you’re late and don’t call” instead of "You're so irresponsible not to call!")
- Describe the situation. (“This report card is much worse than your previous report cards” instead of "This is a terrible report card!")
- Give information. (“Our neighbor Mrs. Weiner says that you were smoking in the back yard” instead of "Are you smoking?")
8. Summon your sense of humor. A light touch almost magically diffuses tension.
9. Remember that expressing anger just makes you more angry because it reinforces your position that you’re right and the other person is wrong. Instead, notice your anger and use it as a signal of what needs to change. For instance, rather than throwing a tantrum because the kids aren’t helping around the house, use your anger as a motivator to implement a new system of chores – one they help design -- that will help prevent the situation in the future.
10. Hold the possibility that working through a conflict in a way that meets everyone's needs could bring you closer to your child. Intimacy deepens or is eroded by every interaction we have, so every problem is a chance to shift onto a positive track and deepen your connection to your child.
This doesn't happen if we enter a conversation insisting on winning. But if we approach a difficult discussion with clarity about our true purpose -- nurturing this developing human -- we create an opening for something new to happen. If we're open to change, to really hearing someone else's side of things, new possibilities for connection appear. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/conversations-kids
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Can Your Child Trust You?
You’re being tested! If they can trust you with the little stuff,
they’ll come to you with the big stuff.
they’ll come to you with the big stuff.
Kids don’t just come up to a parent and say things like “I know you want me to get As in school and I have a chance to cheat on the test; what should I do?” or “I’m bulimic.” Parents have to earn that kind of trust. How?
1. Listen to your little ones when they want to tell you all the details of their day.
The ins and outs of the preschool playground may not rivet you, but communication habits start early. Do you listen when she prattles on interminably about her second grade friends, even when you have "more important" things to think about? Then she’s more likely to tell you about her interactions with boys when she’s twelve.
It’s hard to pay attention when you’re rushing to pick up food for dinner and get home, but if you aren’t really listening, two things happen. You miss an opportunity to learn about and teach your child, and she learns that you don’t really listen, so there’s not much point in talking.
2. Train yourself to listen and not over-react. Kids are afraid they’ll create an even bigger problem by talking with their parents. Prove they can trust you to support them without losing your cool when they’re being bullied on the playground and you’ll get to hear about the boys in their crowd shoplifting when they’re a few years older. How? In tough moments, breathe. Listen. Get yourself calm before you even open your mouth. When you do, start from the assumption that your child will have definite ideas about how to solve this problem, and with your support, can sort out some solutions.
3. Keep confidences. Remember how embarrassed you felt when your dad blurted out in front of the relatives that you were terrified of spiders? Or your mother called the neighbors to share what you'd told her about their daughter? Consider everything your kids tell you as privileged information. If you think you need to share it with anyone else for any reason -- even your spouse -- let your child know.
4. Start small. When your kids are little, start talking about the hard things, from special circumstances like being a single parent or Grandpa’s alcoholism, to the conversations that unnerve most parents, like sex. If you breathe and act natural, and keep your references short and matter of fact, sooner or later you’ll feel natural, and your kids will be comfortable building on those discussions to ask questions and talk about their own feelings. Research shows that kids in families that tackle tough issues early are more likely to consult their parents as teens.
It’s hard to pay attention when you’re rushing to pick up food for dinner and get home, but if you aren’t really listening, two things happen. You miss an opportunity to learn about and teach your child, and she learns that you don’t really listen, so there’s not much point in talking.
2. Train yourself to listen and not over-react. Kids are afraid they’ll create an even bigger problem by talking with their parents. Prove they can trust you to support them without losing your cool when they’re being bullied on the playground and you’ll get to hear about the boys in their crowd shoplifting when they’re a few years older. How? In tough moments, breathe. Listen. Get yourself calm before you even open your mouth. When you do, start from the assumption that your child will have definite ideas about how to solve this problem, and with your support, can sort out some solutions.
3. Keep confidences. Remember how embarrassed you felt when your dad blurted out in front of the relatives that you were terrified of spiders? Or your mother called the neighbors to share what you'd told her about their daughter? Consider everything your kids tell you as privileged information. If you think you need to share it with anyone else for any reason -- even your spouse -- let your child know.
4. Start small. When your kids are little, start talking about the hard things, from special circumstances like being a single parent or Grandpa’s alcoholism, to the conversations that unnerve most parents, like sex. If you breathe and act natural, and keep your references short and matter of fact, sooner or later you’ll feel natural, and your kids will be comfortable building on those discussions to ask questions and talk about their own feelings. Research shows that kids in families that tackle tough issues early are more likely to consult their parents as teens.
5. Tell the truth. It's tempting to tell your child that shot won't hurt when she's hysterical at the doctor's office. But why should she trust you after that? If you want to build a relationship of trust with your child, be trustworthy, right from the start. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/trust
Monday, 24 March 2014
10 Tips to Become a Brilliant Listener with Your Child
The most important skill for parents in talking with kids is listening. Not answering, not teaching, not lecturing, not fixing things or offering solutions. Not only do your kids not want that from you, but it would get in the way of them coming up with their own solutions. What your kids need from you is your full attention and empathy. That’s what deep listening is. How do you do it?
1. Pay full attention. This is your time to listen to your child. It’s a gift to both of you. The shopping list and that problem at the office can wait. Your child knows when you’re really listening. She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to and don’t. Turn off your cell phone. Really. She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the cell phone just to listen to her.
2. Acknowledge and reflect his feelings, without judgment or suggestion. "You sure are angry at your brother” and “You seem worried about the field trip today"are conversation openers, “You just have to make the effort to get along with your brother!” and “Don’t be such a baby about the field trip; of course you’re going!” are conversation closers.
3. Empathize instead of probing. "Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she's already showing you. “You seem sad this morning” or “You’re very quiet tonight,” followed by a warm smile will encourage her to open up more than badgering her with questions.
3. Empathize instead of probing. "Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she's already showing you. “You seem sad this morning” or “You’re very quiet tonight,” followed by a warm smile will encourage her to open up more than badgering her with questions.
4. Don't put your child on the spot. Kids often open up more when we aren't looking directly at them. Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, doing dishes, or walking down the street. Sometimes when we turn the lights out at night, kids pour out their souls to us in the dark.
5. Help your child process his emotions with empathy. Empathy is like a mirror you hold up to your child. Your acknowledgment and acceptance of what he’s feeling -- even those more disturbing emotions like jealousy and anger -- helps him to accept his own feelings, which is what allows them to resolve. Most of the time, when kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. We don’t have to act on those feelings, or even to like them, merely to acknowledge their presence.
Repressed feelings, on the other hand, don't fade away, as feelings do when they’ve been acknowledged. Repressed feelings are trapped and looking for a way out. Because they aren’t under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a preschooler socks her sister, or a seven year old has nightmares, or an eleven year develops a nervous tic.
Accepting his feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You’re showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.
6. Close your mouth. You may have to put your hand over your mouth. There are teachable moments, but kids learn most from the opportunity to hear themselves talk and come to their own conclusions. If you give in to the temptation to lecture, your child will clam up. If you want to let your child know you're listening, make short sounds: "Mmmm....huh....wow!..."
7. Don’t start solving the problem. The point is to let him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself, not to solve it for him. When he expresses his feelings about something, you'll want to listen and acknowledge, rather than jumping in with solutions. That means you'll have to manage your own anxiety about the issue.
8. Don’t start by trying to change the feeling or cheer her up. I promise you, empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just invalidates her, or pushes it under to resurface later. That doesn’t mean you magnify or wallow in the negative feeling, just that you acknowledge it and honor her experience. Once she has a chance to notice, accept, and maybe express the feeling, she’ll feel ready for "cheering up" in the sense of a change of scene and topic.
9. Keep the conversation safe for your child by managing your own emotions. Don't take it personally. Breathe. Detach. Above all, if you start feeling responsible (“I could have prevented this!”) or terrified (“I can’t believe this is happening to my child!”) get a grip and put your feelings aside. This isn’t about you, right now, and your upset won't help. You can process later. Remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that what's most important here is helping your child work through these difficult feelings and possibly come up with a plan of action that works for him.
10. Match your reaction with his mood. Your third grader’s being a bit downcast because his team lost the soccer game doesn't merit a reaction from you as if someone had died. Conversely, mechanically parroting "It can be hard when your boyfriend splits up with you" is likely to evoke hysteric rage from your fourteen year old. You empathize so your child knows you understand what's she's feeling, but you also communicate your wordless confidence that this too shall pass, and some day life will be good again.http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/brilliant-listener
Friday, 21 March 2014
150 Conversation Starters for Family Discussions
Parents often tell me they don’t know where to begin to have a “real” conversation with their child. These questions will get you started. Rather than badgering your child with them, use one as the jumping off point for a two-way conversation. Start by 
asking your child the question, and listen to the answer, remembering to reflect back what she’s saying so she knows you understand.
asking your child the question, and listen to the answer, remembering to reflect back what she’s saying so she knows you understand.
Don’t shy away from expressing your opinions, as long as you remember not to lecture; kids are often curious what parents think.
The point is developing the habit of conversation and deepening your relationship.
These questions also work well to launch family dinner table conversations.
Getting to Know Your Child
• What are the three most interesting things about you?
• Name five reasons you’re glad to be alive.
• If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?
• What’s your favorite song? Why?
• What do you want to be when you grow up? Why?
• What’s your favorite movie? Why?
• Why do you think kids put rings in their eyebrows and noses and bellybuttons?
• How about tattoos?
• Do you think you would ever want to do that? Why or why not?
• If we could go anywhere you wanted on vacation, where would you choose? Why?
• If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be?
• What would you want to ask them?
• What is your earliest memory?
• What are you most proud of?
• If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
• Is there anything about you that inspires other people in any way?
• What is your idea of an ideal day?
• If you were invisible where would you go and what would you do?
• What is a quality you wish you could have more of?
• If you could ask anyone for help, who would it be and why?
• What scares you the most and why?
• What makes you feel better?
• What do you worry about the most?
• What is your biggest goal this year?
Your relationship with your child
• What is your favorite thing about our relationship?
• What is your least favorite thing about our relationship?
• Do you think you can tell me anything?
• If you got into really big trouble, how do you think I would respond?
• Is there something I can do better that I am not doing now?
• Do you feel like you could talk with me about anything at all?
• If we had a special day together what would you want to do?
• Do I ever embarrass you?
Family
• How do you think your friends' families compare to ours? Are they about as close? Closer? More distant? Why do you think that?
• Do you think your friends talk to their parents?
• What do you think makes a family close?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how strict are the parents in this family? What is the ideal number?
• Is the discipline in our family fair?
• What’s the best thing about our family?
• If you could change one thing about your parents, what would it be?
• What are the most important things your parents have taught you?
• What do you think are the most important qualities of a good parent?
• What do you think makes a happy family?
• Tell each person in the family why you’re glad they’re part of the family.
• How do you think our family is the same or different from other families?
• Do you want to have kids when you grow up? Why or why not?
• What kind of parent will you be?
• Do you think you will be close to your siblings when you grow up?
• How many of your ancestors can you name and what do you know about them?
• What is your favorite family tradition?
• What three words do you think best describe our family?
Blended families
• Do blended families take more work? Can they be as happy as birth families?
• Do you ever miss your dad?
• Do you think things would be different if your dad was still with us and I had never met your step-dad? How?
• Even though your step-dad is not your biological dad, you know he adores you. Do you feel close to him?
• You know, to your little sister you are completely her sister, not her stepsister. Do you feel that way, or is it different for you? Do you feel close to her?
• When you both grow up, do you think you will stay connected?
• Do you think it’s harder for adopted kids than birth kids?
• Do you think it’s a good idea for adopted kids to look up their birth parents? Why or why not?
Values
• What traits do you most admire in other people?
• Do you think it's okay to lie about your age to get into an Amusement Park with a cheaper ticket? Is it ever ok to lie?
• Do you think your parents ever lie?
• What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?
• Does it matter if a person makes a moral or immoral choice, if no one ever knows?
• Is it ever ok to cheat, in academics, sports, business?
• Do adults automatically deserve respect? How do you earn respect?
• What could our family do that would make the world a better place?
• What do you think the biggest problem in the world is? How about in our country?
• How would you change the world if you could?
• What do you think the "take-away" message of this movie is? • Do you admire the hero? Why or why not?
Getting to Know Your Child
• What are the three most interesting things about you?
• Name five reasons you’re glad to be alive.
• If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?
• What’s your favorite song? Why?
• What do you want to be when you grow up? Why?
• What’s your favorite movie? Why?
• Why do you think kids put rings in their eyebrows and noses and bellybuttons?
• How about tattoos?
• Do you think you would ever want to do that? Why or why not?
• If we could go anywhere you wanted on vacation, where would you choose? Why?
• If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be?
• What would you want to ask them?
• What is your earliest memory?
• What are you most proud of?
• If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
• Is there anything about you that inspires other people in any way?
• What is your idea of an ideal day?
• If you were invisible where would you go and what would you do?
• What is a quality you wish you could have more of?
• If you could ask anyone for help, who would it be and why?
• What scares you the most and why?
• What makes you feel better?
• What do you worry about the most?
• What is your biggest goal this year?
Your relationship with your child
• What is your favorite thing about our relationship?
• What is your least favorite thing about our relationship?
• Do you think you can tell me anything?
• If you got into really big trouble, how do you think I would respond?
• Is there something I can do better that I am not doing now?
• Do you feel like you could talk with me about anything at all?
• If we had a special day together what would you want to do?
• Do I ever embarrass you?
Family
• How do you think your friends' families compare to ours? Are they about as close? Closer? More distant? Why do you think that?
• Do you think your friends talk to their parents?
• What do you think makes a family close?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how strict are the parents in this family? What is the ideal number?
• Is the discipline in our family fair?
• What’s the best thing about our family?
• If you could change one thing about your parents, what would it be?
• What are the most important things your parents have taught you?
• What do you think are the most important qualities of a good parent?
• What do you think makes a happy family?
• Tell each person in the family why you’re glad they’re part of the family.
• How do you think our family is the same or different from other families?
• Do you want to have kids when you grow up? Why or why not?
• What kind of parent will you be?
• Do you think you will be close to your siblings when you grow up?
• How many of your ancestors can you name and what do you know about them?
• What is your favorite family tradition?
• What three words do you think best describe our family?
Blended families
• Do blended families take more work? Can they be as happy as birth families?
• Do you ever miss your dad?
• Do you think things would be different if your dad was still with us and I had never met your step-dad? How?
• Even though your step-dad is not your biological dad, you know he adores you. Do you feel close to him?
• You know, to your little sister you are completely her sister, not her stepsister. Do you feel that way, or is it different for you? Do you feel close to her?
• When you both grow up, do you think you will stay connected?
• Do you think it’s harder for adopted kids than birth kids?
• Do you think it’s a good idea for adopted kids to look up their birth parents? Why or why not?
Values
• What traits do you most admire in other people?
• Do you think it's okay to lie about your age to get into an Amusement Park with a cheaper ticket? Is it ever ok to lie?
• Do you think your parents ever lie?
• What kinds of lies do your friends tell their parents?
• Does it matter if a person makes a moral or immoral choice, if no one ever knows?
• Is it ever ok to cheat, in academics, sports, business?
• Do adults automatically deserve respect? How do you earn respect?
• What could our family do that would make the world a better place?
• What do you think the biggest problem in the world is? How about in our country?
• How would you change the world if you could?
• What do you think the "take-away" message of this movie is? • Do you admire the hero? Why or why not?
School & Learning
• Who is or was your favorite teacher? Why?
• Do you think there is a difference between being smart and being wise?
• What are the best and worst things about school?
• What do you know how to do that you could teach someone else?
• How common do you think cheating is at your school?
• What would you do if all the other kids were planning to cheat on the final and you knew that doing so would lower your grade?
• What do you think makes the most difference in how kids do at school? Hard work, innate ability, parental supervision, peer attitudes, how good the school is?
• Do you think it makes sense to admit students to a college based only on academic achievement or should an attempt be made to achieve racial and ethnic diversity as well?
• Do you think kids from wealthier school districts have an unfair advantage?
• What do you think about home-schooling?
Emotions
• Do you know what EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) is? If someone has a high EQ, what are they like?
• How do you feel when someone is angry with you? How do you act?
• Are you a "cup is half full" or "cup is half empty" kind of person?
• What do you do to cheer yourself up when you feel down?
• Have I never not noticed when you're sad?
• What is the best way for me to help you when you feel grumpy?
• When do you like me to hug you? When does it embarrass you?
• What hurts your feelings? How do you act when your feelings are hurt?
• What are the different kinds of courage? How do you define bravery?
Drug and Alcohol use
• Why do you think it's illegal for kids under the age of 21 to drink alcohol? After all, many parents do it.
• Why are marijuana and other drugs illegall?
• What would you do if you were in a car and the driver had been drinking or smoking marijuana?
• What if the driver was a grown-up, like your friend's parent?
• What do you think happens in the brain when people smoke marijuana? Why shouldn't kids smoke it?
• Have you ever thought that I drank too much? Acted differently when I drank alcohol?
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• Do you know any kids or adults who you think have alcohol or drug problems?
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• Do you know any kids who have tried alcohol or drugs, what do you think of them?
• What do the kids at your school do at parties?
• Have you been to a party like that? Have you ever been offered a drink? A marijuana cigarette or other drugs?
• How did you handle it?
• What would you do if you were at a party and someone passed out from drinking alcohol?
• Would you be worried about becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs?
• Do you think coffee is a drug? When do you think it’s ok for kids to start drinking coffee?
• Who is or was your favorite teacher? Why?
• Do you think there is a difference between being smart and being wise?
• What are the best and worst things about school?
• What do you know how to do that you could teach someone else?
• How common do you think cheating is at your school?
• What would you do if all the other kids were planning to cheat on the final and you knew that doing so would lower your grade?
• What do you think makes the most difference in how kids do at school? Hard work, innate ability, parental supervision, peer attitudes, how good the school is?
• Do you think it makes sense to admit students to a college based only on academic achievement or should an attempt be made to achieve racial and ethnic diversity as well?
• Do you think kids from wealthier school districts have an unfair advantage?
• What do you think about home-schooling?
Emotions
• Do you know what EQ (emotional intelligence quotient) is? If someone has a high EQ, what are they like?
• How do you feel when someone is angry with you? How do you act?
• Are you a "cup is half full" or "cup is half empty" kind of person?
• What do you do to cheer yourself up when you feel down?
• Have I never not noticed when you're sad?
• What is the best way for me to help you when you feel grumpy?
• When do you like me to hug you? When does it embarrass you?
• What hurts your feelings? How do you act when your feelings are hurt?
• What are the different kinds of courage? How do you define bravery?
Drug and Alcohol use
• Why do you think it's illegal for kids under the age of 21 to drink alcohol? After all, many parents do it.
• Why are marijuana and other drugs illegall?
• What would you do if you were in a car and the driver had been drinking or smoking marijuana?
• What if the driver was a grown-up, like your friend's parent?
• What do you think happens in the brain when people smoke marijuana? Why shouldn't kids smoke it?
• Have you ever thought that I drank too much? Acted differently when I drank alcohol?
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• Do you know any kids or adults who you think have alcohol or drug problems?
• When do you think kids are ready to try alcohol?
• Do you know any kids who have tried alcohol or drugs, what do you think of them?
• What do the kids at your school do at parties?
• Have you been to a party like that? Have you ever been offered a drink? A marijuana cigarette or other drugs?
• How did you handle it?
• What would you do if you were at a party and someone passed out from drinking alcohol?
• Would you be worried about becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs?
• Do you think coffee is a drug? When do you think it’s ok for kids to start drinking coffee?
Friendship & Peers
• Who is your best friend and why?
• What traits do you look for in friends?
• Do you think you're good at making friends?
• Where do you consider yourself on the shy to outgoing continuum?
• Do you think there is a such thing as peer pressure? Do you ever feel peer pressure? Do you think some people are more susceptible to peer pressure than others? Why do you think that is?
• What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Kids who mature faster?
• Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be?
• Who is your best friend and why?
• What traits do you look for in friends?
• Do you think you're good at making friends?
• Where do you consider yourself on the shy to outgoing continuum?
• Do you think there is a such thing as peer pressure? Do you ever feel peer pressure? Do you think some people are more susceptible to peer pressure than others? Why do you think that is?
• What do you think makes a person popular? Are wealthier kids more popular? Kids who mature faster?
• Are you popular? Why or why not? Would you like to be?
Love, Sex & Marriage
• At what age do you think people can fall in love? At what age should people marry?
• Do you think people should be married to have sex? If not, how should they decide whether they’re ready?
• What do you think changes when you have sex?
• How do you think love is different in real life than it is in the movies?
• What would be most important to you in looking for a spouse?
• Do you think any of the kids at school are not virgins? What do you think about that?
• Do kids at your school actually “date”? What do you think about the idea of “friends with benefits”? Does the girl benefit as much as the guy?
• Do you think girls and guys have the same needs from sex and relationships?
• Do you know anyone who’s gay? Does anyone treat them differently? What do you think about that?
• Why do you think people get divorced? How do you think it affects the kids?
Body Image and Gender Roles
• How do you think ordinary peoples’ bodies compare to the models and actors on TV? How does it make you feel to watch them?
• What do you think of the way girls and guys in high school dress these days?
• Do you think girls look better with or without makeup?
• Is there a difference between "attractive" and "hot"? Between "hot" and "sexy"?
• How would you define “sexy”? Is it important to be “sexy”? Are some of the kids at school sexy? How does someone know if they’re sexy? Is it important that your future boyfriend or girlfriend be sexy?
• What are the most important qualities you would want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Do you think most girls are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not? Do you think most guys are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not?
• What's the hardest thing about being a girl?
• What's the hardest thing about being a boy?
• Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Why do you think kids develop eating disorders? Why do you think there’s such an emphasis on thin-ness in our society?
• Can you name three things that you really like about yourself that have nothing to do with what you look like?
• When do you feel the most proud of who you are?
Spirituality
• Do you believe in God? Why or why not? If so, how do you picture God?
• Do you ever talk to God?
• Is spirituality the same as religion or different?
• Has religion played a positive or negative role in history?
• Do you have good friends who practice religions that are different from ours? Acquaintances? How are you like them? How are you different?
• Do you think there is one best religion? Why or why not?
• What do you think happens after death?
• What do you think is the meaning of life? Why are we alive?
• How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/family-discussions
• At what age do you think people can fall in love? At what age should people marry?
• Do you think people should be married to have sex? If not, how should they decide whether they’re ready?
• What do you think changes when you have sex?
• How do you think love is different in real life than it is in the movies?
• What would be most important to you in looking for a spouse?
• Do you think any of the kids at school are not virgins? What do you think about that?
• Do kids at your school actually “date”? What do you think about the idea of “friends with benefits”? Does the girl benefit as much as the guy?
• Do you think girls and guys have the same needs from sex and relationships?
• Do you know anyone who’s gay? Does anyone treat them differently? What do you think about that?
• Why do you think people get divorced? How do you think it affects the kids?
Body Image and Gender Roles
• How do you think ordinary peoples’ bodies compare to the models and actors on TV? How does it make you feel to watch them?
• What do you think of the way girls and guys in high school dress these days?
• Do you think girls look better with or without makeup?
• Is there a difference between "attractive" and "hot"? Between "hot" and "sexy"?
• How would you define “sexy”? Is it important to be “sexy”? Are some of the kids at school sexy? How does someone know if they’re sexy? Is it important that your future boyfriend or girlfriend be sexy?
• What are the most important qualities you would want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Do you think most girls are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not? Do you think most guys are glad when they reach puberty? Why or why not?
• What's the hardest thing about being a girl?
• What's the hardest thing about being a boy?
• Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Why do you think kids develop eating disorders? Why do you think there’s such an emphasis on thin-ness in our society?
• Can you name three things that you really like about yourself that have nothing to do with what you look like?
• When do you feel the most proud of who you are?
Spirituality
• Do you believe in God? Why or why not? If so, how do you picture God?
• Do you ever talk to God?
• Is spirituality the same as religion or different?
• Has religion played a positive or negative role in history?
• Do you have good friends who practice religions that are different from ours? Acquaintances? How are you like them? How are you different?
• Do you think there is one best religion? Why or why not?
• What do you think happens after death?
• What do you think is the meaning of life? Why are we alive?
• How will you know if you’ve had a successful life?http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/family-discussions
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Secrets of Close Family Communication
"By far the most important form of attention we can give our loved ones is listening... True listening is love in action. - M. Scott Peck
Did your family have great discussions when you were growing up? Were people interested in hearing and learning from each other’s opinions?
What happened when your needs conflicted with those of your parents? What happened when your parents disagreed with each other? Was there a sense that family members could respectfully disagree, come up with a solution that worked for everyone, and end the discussion feeling closer to each other?
Could you tell your parents anything?
Want your kids to tell you what's going on in their lives when they're fifteen?
Start by making these commitments today.
Start by making these commitments today.
1. Commit to dealing with your own issues. If you’re uncomfortable talking about your son’s birthmark or adoption, he will be also. If you’ve been struggling with your weight for years and your preteen is eating everything in sight and showing it, your conversations with her are guaranteed to backfire. Start by working through your own issues yourself so you'll be more able to help your kids with theirs. Get professional help if you need to.
2. Commit to a No Fault household. They’re more likely to tell you things if you start from a premise of compassion for all us, because we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Here’s a commitment that will change your life: Next time you find yourself automatically beginning to blame someone, stop. It’s a defense against feeling out of control, and against knowing that you had some role, however small, in creating the situation. Accept any responsibility you can – it’s good practice to overstate your responsibility – and then just accept the situation. You can come up with better solutions from a state of acceptance than a state of blame.
3. Commit to connecting with your kids when you’re with them. Most parents of teens will tell you they regret not talking more with their kids between the ages of eight and thirteen. They may have moved their kids along from homework to baths, or from church to soccer, but always assumed they’d have the deep discussions when their kids were a little older. But most parents are shocked to realize that teens have other priorities, and the opportunities for family discussion and parental influence dwindle unless you’ve made deep discussions a habit all along. How? Commit now to focusing on your kids when you’re with them, and put energy into creating real discussions. (For ideas about questions to ask to start great discussions with your kids, click here for 100 Great Conversation Starters for Family Discussions.)
4. Commit to habits of connection, such as not answering the phone when you’re talking with your kids, and using car rides to connect with each other. If you absolutely have to take the call, apologize and explain that it’s an exception. This may seem extreme, but you don’t take calls when you’re in an important meeting. Your goal is to give your kids the message that you really value talking with them. And if you can make yourself turn off the radio when your child gets in the car, you're lots more likely to make a connection with him and hear about what happened at band practice. Many parents swear by car rides to get their kids to talk with them, but it helps if you set the habit up early, rather than introducing distractions like radio and tapes with your preschoolers.
5. Commit to talking about anything and everything. This may seem obvious, but in most families there are some things that are off limits. Do you talk about people who have died? Your abortion when you were a teenager? Are your kids able to tell you when they do something wrong or make a big mistake? Can your eight year old ask you if you ever used drugs? Could your twelve year old tell you she’s uncomfortable with her budding body? Could your fifteen year old count on your support if he thought he might be gay? Could your 16 year old ask you about sexual pleasure? Whatever’s off limits, your children will sense the taboo, and it will limit what they’re willing to broach with you.
6. Commit to not letting little rifts build up. If something’s wrong between you, find a way to bring it up and work it through positively. Choosing to withdraw (except temporarily, strategically) when your child seems intent on driving you away is ALWAYS a mistake. Use the difficulties that come up to bring your family closer.
7. Commit to regulating your own emotions. The biggest hurdle to communication in most families is that when the topic is tense, we over-react. If you can regulate your own emotions, you'll find that your child is more willing to open up with you. Even with a subject that raises everyone's anxiety level, when we stay calm, our child is more likely to stay calm. Not only can we work together to come up with a solution that works for everyone, but our child is more likely to come to us next time there's a crisis.
8. Commit to spending time together. Regular family dinners, family game nights, picnics under the stars. Find times when you can turn off all technology and just be together. Enjoy each other. Wonder about each other's lives, interests, opinions. Great conversations have a way of happening once we focus on each other instead of screens.http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/family-culture
Gameplan for Positive Parenting Your Teen
Positive parenting a teenager? A terrific teen who's responsible, considerate, shows good judgment, at least most of the time? Yes, it is possible! Here's your game plan, with 12 essential Tips.
You may not feel like you have much influence on your child these days, but teens’ behavior is highly correlated with the strength of their bonds with their parents.
Good relationships between teenagers and their parents, as rated by both, are positively correlated with school success and general happiness as rated by the teen and those around her.
By contrast, weak or conflictual parent/teen relationships are correlated with early sexual activity, experimentation with drugs and alcohol, the teen's involvement in violence (as either perpetrator or victim), and suicide.
How do you parent this blossoming person who sometimes seems to be becoming a stranger? 12 Essential Tips:
How do you parent this blossoming person who sometimes seems to be becoming a stranger? 12 Essential Tips:
1. Remember you're a parent, AND a friend. Teens crave closeness to their parents, so they do want the relationship to be a form of friendship. But they also need to feel like they have some independence, so sometimes you may feel a bit shut out. If you can navigate your closeness in an accepting way that doesn't take advantage of your role as parent to tell your child what to do, he's more likely to open up and share with you.
Does a close friendship erode your teen's respect for you? No. Don't you respect your friends, and treasure those who are really there for you emotionally? If you offer your teen respect, consideration, and authenticity, that's what you'll receive in return.
And as close as you want to be to your teen, sometimes you will have to pull rank and say No. If you're doing it often, that's a red flag that something is wrong. But sometimes your teen will be looking to you to set limits they can't set for themselves. Sometimes you'll need to stick by your values and say no, whether that's to an unsupervised party or a very late bedtime. Sometimes your teen will be able to use your guidance to come up with a win-win solution that answers your concerns.
2. Establish dependable together time. Be sure to check in every single day. A few minutes of conversation while you're cleaning up after dinner or right before bedtime can keep you tuned in and establish open communication. Even teens who seem to have forgotten who their parents are the other 23 hours a day often respond well to a goodnight hug and check-in chat once they're lounging in bed. In addition to these short daily check-ins, establish a regular weekly routine for doing something special with your teen, even if it's just going out for ice cream or a walk together.
3. Parent actively and appropriately. Don’t invite rebellion by refusing to acknowledge that your son or daughter is growing up and needs more freedom. But don’t be afraid to ask where your kids are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be doing. Get to know your kids’ friends and their parents so you’re familiar with their activities.
4. Try to be there after school. The biggest danger zone for drug use and sex isn't Saturday night; it's between 3 and 6 PM on weekdays. Arrange flex time at work if you can. If your child will be with friends, make sure there’s adult supervision, not just an older sibling.
5. Keep your standards high. Your teen wants to be his or her best self. Our job as parents is to support our teens in doing that. But don't expect your child to achieve goals you decide for her; she needs to begin charting her own goals now, with the support of a parent who adores her just as she is and believes that she can do anything she aims to. Support your teen's passions and explorations as she finds her unique voice.
3. Parent actively and appropriately. Don’t invite rebellion by refusing to acknowledge that your son or daughter is growing up and needs more freedom. But don’t be afraid to ask where your kids are going, who they’ll be with and what they’ll be doing. Get to know your kids’ friends and their parents so you’re familiar with their activities.
4. Try to be there after school. The biggest danger zone for drug use and sex isn't Saturday night; it's between 3 and 6 PM on weekdays. Arrange flex time at work if you can. If your child will be with friends, make sure there’s adult supervision, not just an older sibling.
5. Keep your standards high. Your teen wants to be his or her best self. Our job as parents is to support our teens in doing that. But don't expect your child to achieve goals you decide for her; she needs to begin charting her own goals now, with the support of a parent who adores her just as she is and believes that she can do anything she aims to. Support your teen's passions and explorations as she finds her unique voice.
6. Make it a high priority to eat meals together as often as you can. Meals are a great opportunity to talk about the days' events, to unwind, reinforce and bond. They're also your best opportunity to keep in touch with your teen's life and challenges, and to spot brewing problems. Finally, an important factor in kids' happiness and overall success is whether they feel they get time to "just hang out and talk" with parents every day.
7. Keep the lines of communication humming. If you don't know what's going on, you lose all hope of influencing the outcome.
8. Encourage good self-care, such as the nine and half hours of sleep every teen needs, and a good diet. Coffee is a bad idea for early teens because it interferes with normal sleep patterns. Too much screen time, especially in the hour before bedtime, reduces melatonin production and makes it harder for kids to fall asleep at night.
9. Continue family meetings. Held regularly at a mutually agreed upon time, family meetings provide a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements, schedules, any topic of concern to a family member. Ground rules help. Everyone gets a chance to talk; one person talks at a time without interruption; everyone listens, and only positive, constructive feedback is allowed. To get resistant teens to join in, combine the get-together with incentives such as post-meeting pizza or ice cream, or assign them important roles such as recording secretary or rule enforcer.
10. Keep kids safe and connected to the family by keeping computers in your common space. It can be hard for parents to track what teens do on line because they know more about the computer than we do. But research shows that he'll be less tempted to spend time doing things you'd disapprove of if the computer is in a common space, where you can walk by and glance at what he's doing. Kids live online these days, but he can still stay connected to his family if online is in the heart of your home.
11. Don't push your teen into independence before he's ready. Every teen has his own timetable for blossoming into an independent person. Real independence includes close relationships with others, and it never needs to include rebelliousness. It is NOT healthy for your child to feel that you're pushing him into independence -- that only leads to him becoming overly dependent on the peer group. If he isn't ready to go to sleep away camp for a month, then he isn't ready. Sooner or later, he will be. Respect his timetable.
12.Make agreements and teach your child to make repairs. If you've raised your child without punishment, he will almost certainly be close to you. Because he doesn't want to damage the trust between you, he won't lie to you, and he won't usually infringe on your limits. If he does, ask him how he can make repairs, including repairing your trust.
13. What if you've raised your child with punishment, and now she's breaking your rules and lying to you? It's never too late to help her learn to take responsibility, but to start, she has to value her relationship with you. That means you need to stop punishing, and start listening and connecting. You also need to insist that she find ways to make repairs. That's a tricky dance, because punishment will make things worse, so she has to choose the repair, -- and yet you are still insisting that she do so. No, it's not a punishment -- it's a way for her to make things better when she messes up, which is what all adults learn to do. But she'll only understand it this way if she wants to please you, so if you need to go to counseling together to create that relationship, don't hesitate.
14. Stay connected even as she moves into the world. If we've accepted our child's dependency needs AND affirmed her development into her own separate person, she'll stay fiercely connected to us even as her focus shifts to peers, high school and the passions that make her soul sing.
It's appropriate for teens to want to spend more time with their peers than their parents as they get older, but kids who are well grounded in their families will respond well to parents' efforts to stay connected. And parents who have bonded adequately with their children at each earlier stage will feel invested enough in their teens to stay connected, even if a lot of effort is required.
It’s critical, during the teen years, for parents to remain their children’s emotional and moral compass. Kids will begin to experiment with intimate relationships outside the family, but to do that successfully, they still rely on those intimate relationships at home remaining solid. That means that a 14 year old who focuses mostly outwards is probably looking for something he wasn’t getting at home.
We need to invite our children to rely on us emotionally until they’re emotionally ready to depend on themselves. Too often, in our culture, we let teenagers transfer their dependency outside the family, with disastrous results. Teens often give up a great deal of themselves in pursuit of the closeness they crave, only to crash against the hard reality that other teens aren’t developmentally able to offer them what they need.
We need to invite our children to rely on us emotionally until they’re emotionally ready to depend on themselves. Too often, in our culture, we let teenagers transfer their dependency outside the family, with disastrous results. Teens often give up a great deal of themselves in pursuit of the closeness they crave, only to crash against the hard reality that other teens aren’t developmentally able to offer them what they need.
You may not be at the top of your teen's list nowadays, but work like the dickens to stay close, and don't take it for granted that your child will now push you away. That’s a sign of a damaged relationship. Don't give up. It’s never too late in your relationship with your child to do repair work and move closer.http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=6164152&A=SearchResult&SearchID=7749237&ObjectID=6164152&ObjectType=1
Friday, 14 March 2014
What's Connection Parenting? Q and A
What's Connection Parenting? Prioritizing your relationship with your child, because you know that's the foundation for emotional well-being.
As our infants grow into toddlers and do less nuzzling and more NO-ing, how do we maintain a strong connection while setting the necessary limits? 
Can we keep the relationship close as our child starts daycare or preschool and we teach her to problem-solve and navigate her own path? As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high expectations? And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have the necessary trust and intimacy with them so that we get rehired as consultants?
Can we keep the relationship close as our child starts daycare or preschool and we teach her to problem-solve and navigate her own path? As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high expectations? And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have the necessary trust and intimacy with them so that we get rehired as consultants?
Pam Leo, the originator of the term, says it best:
"The model of parenting most of us grew up with was authoritarian parenting, which is based on fear. Some of us may have grown up with permissive parenting, which is also based on fear. Authoritarian parenting is based on the child's fear of losing the parent's love. Permissive parenting is based on the parent's fear of losing the child's love. Connection parenting is based on love instead of fear." --Pam Leo, Connection Parenting
"The model of parenting most of us grew up with was authoritarian parenting, which is based on fear. Some of us may have grown up with permissive parenting, which is also based on fear. Authoritarian parenting is based on the child's fear of losing the parent's love. Permissive parenting is based on the parent's fear of losing the child's love. Connection parenting is based on love instead of fear." --Pam Leo, Connection Parenting
Children grow up fast. It may not seem that way when your 11 month old cries all night, or your 3 year old is screaming on the floor next to the candy display. But age 9, with its delightful reasonableness poised on the brink of preteen sophistication, arrives in what seems like the blink of an eye. As your child blows out those 9 candles, you’re halfway to 18. The age of majority, when he’s legally considered enough of an adult to marry, vote, and die for his country. 18 – and usually earlier – is when you’re officially fired as a parent, and, if you’ve done a good enough job, re-hired as a consultant.
I dread dropping my children off at college. I know too many women who sobbed the whole way home, wondering how they missed so much of the last eighteen years. Their kids dash off happily, ready for their new lives. It’s the mom who suddenly realizes that she isn’t. I know I’ll be sobbing. But I also know I won’t have missed much. I know they’ll really be ready, inside, to flourish on their own. And I trust that I’ll have built the kind of connection with my kids that will keep us close throughout their lives.
“All parents hope that’s what we’re doing, of course. How can we be sure?”
At this point, there’s not much doubt. Research teams have shown again and again what it is that builds a strong connection between parents and children. It starts early, with parents who respond to the infant’s needs, so that she develops a secure attachment to them. This body of research is called Attachment Theory, and has given rise to a child-raising approach called Attachment Parenting.
“Isn’t Attachment Parenting about moms never being apart from the baby? I love him, but I need a break sometimes.”
Attachment Parenting has indeed become known for its recommendation that babies need a lot of holding by their parents, but of course no mother holds her baby every minute. That’s a caricature. And please notice I said “parents,” as in fathers as well as mothers. All parents need a break sometimes; that’s why nature set us up with two.
But the critical ingredient in Attachment Parenting is actually the attentiveness with which the baby’s adults respond to her, which gives her a secure attachment. That’s the foundation of healthy emotional development.
Attachment Parenting is only the beginning of the bond you build and nurture with your child. The parenting philosophy that helps parents create a close lifetime connection with their kids is known as Connection Parenting, a coin termed by Parent Educator Pam Leo.
“But why does that need to be a parenting philosophy? Aren’t all parents connected to their kids?”
What’s different about Connection Parenting is that it’s about the relationship with your child, rather than a set of “skills’ to make you a better parent. You’re a fine parent the way you are, if you’re in touch with your natural parenting instincts.
“If that’s true, why do so many of us find parenting such a challenge?”
Because no amount of "parenting skills" can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, it’s very hard to parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural parenting know-how.
It’s especially challenging to create a close relationship with our kids these days. Human beings weren’t designed to handle the amount of stress our modern life loads on us, which makes it difficult to hear our instincts. Most of us try to parent in our spare time, around the demands of work, commuting and household responsibilities. Finally, our culture devalues and erodes our relationship with our kids, and woos them away from us at too early an age.
“So not all parents are sufficiently connected to their kids?”
Of course, every parent has a relationship with his or her child. The question is what kind of relationship. We can think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions. You don’t have to do anything special to build a relationship, per se. The good -- and bad -- news is that every interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bath time matter as much as that big talk you have when there’s a problem. He doesn’t want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well as his ideas about all relationships.
It’s true that North Americans think of themselves as more “child-centered” than ever. We take endless digital pictures of our babies that we post online, we plan elaborate birthday parties our two year olds find overwhelming, we let our four year olds run rampant in restaurants, we allow our daughters to dress like pop stars by age 10, we spend a fortune on wardrobes, Ipods, computers, TVs. But these things aren’t what our kids need, and they often disconnect us from our kids, as evidenced by the 2/3 of kids who have TVs in their bedrooms.
“I do spend time with my kids, driving them everywhere. But I have a demanding job and our life is so busy. Do I have to do something special?”
Close relationships are built, moment by moment, from shared experience that lets us touch each other deeply. Nothing extraordinary may seem to be happening on the outside, but on the inside we’re connecting with the fullness of our deepest selves. It’s a form of falling in love: most of it happens in our hearts. Experiences like kissing scraped knees, laughing hysterically over nothing, discussing human nature at the dinner table, or wrestling with a challenging decision during a quiet stroll at twilight – that’s what builds intimacy. But to have these kinds of deep moments with someone, we have to make our connection with that human being our priority.
“I love my kids. Of course I prioritize them. But I have other responsibilities that sometimes have to come first.”
Prioritizing the connection with our kids means we put them first. Not that we don’t work outside the home – and, when we can, throw ourselves into those jobs whole-heartedly. Not that we don’t have passionate, devoted, intimate marriages. But prioritizing our kids means that we take very seriously the responsibility we’ve signed onto: That for this eighteen years of our life, this small person who we chose to have placed in our arms gets our full attention. That we make decisions about the rest of our lives so our children get what they need.
“What do you mean by full attention? That sounds so vague.”
Attachment Parenting has indeed become known for its recommendation that babies need a lot of holding by their parents, but of course no mother holds her baby every minute. That’s a caricature. And please notice I said “parents,” as in fathers as well as mothers. All parents need a break sometimes; that’s why nature set us up with two.
But the critical ingredient in Attachment Parenting is actually the attentiveness with which the baby’s adults respond to her, which gives her a secure attachment. That’s the foundation of healthy emotional development.
Attachment Parenting is only the beginning of the bond you build and nurture with your child. The parenting philosophy that helps parents create a close lifetime connection with their kids is known as Connection Parenting, a coin termed by Parent Educator Pam Leo.
“But why does that need to be a parenting philosophy? Aren’t all parents connected to their kids?”
What’s different about Connection Parenting is that it’s about the relationship with your child, rather than a set of “skills’ to make you a better parent. You’re a fine parent the way you are, if you’re in touch with your natural parenting instincts.
“If that’s true, why do so many of us find parenting such a challenge?”
Because no amount of "parenting skills" can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, it’s very hard to parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural parenting know-how.
It’s especially challenging to create a close relationship with our kids these days. Human beings weren’t designed to handle the amount of stress our modern life loads on us, which makes it difficult to hear our instincts. Most of us try to parent in our spare time, around the demands of work, commuting and household responsibilities. Finally, our culture devalues and erodes our relationship with our kids, and woos them away from us at too early an age.
“So not all parents are sufficiently connected to their kids?”
Of course, every parent has a relationship with his or her child. The question is what kind of relationship. We can think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions. You don’t have to do anything special to build a relationship, per se. The good -- and bad -- news is that every interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bath time matter as much as that big talk you have when there’s a problem. He doesn’t want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well as his ideas about all relationships.
It’s true that North Americans think of themselves as more “child-centered” than ever. We take endless digital pictures of our babies that we post online, we plan elaborate birthday parties our two year olds find overwhelming, we let our four year olds run rampant in restaurants, we allow our daughters to dress like pop stars by age 10, we spend a fortune on wardrobes, Ipods, computers, TVs. But these things aren’t what our kids need, and they often disconnect us from our kids, as evidenced by the 2/3 of kids who have TVs in their bedrooms.
“I do spend time with my kids, driving them everywhere. But I have a demanding job and our life is so busy. Do I have to do something special?”
Close relationships are built, moment by moment, from shared experience that lets us touch each other deeply. Nothing extraordinary may seem to be happening on the outside, but on the inside we’re connecting with the fullness of our deepest selves. It’s a form of falling in love: most of it happens in our hearts. Experiences like kissing scraped knees, laughing hysterically over nothing, discussing human nature at the dinner table, or wrestling with a challenging decision during a quiet stroll at twilight – that’s what builds intimacy. But to have these kinds of deep moments with someone, we have to make our connection with that human being our priority.
“I love my kids. Of course I prioritize them. But I have other responsibilities that sometimes have to come first.”
Prioritizing the connection with our kids means we put them first. Not that we don’t work outside the home – and, when we can, throw ourselves into those jobs whole-heartedly. Not that we don’t have passionate, devoted, intimate marriages. But prioritizing our kids means that we take very seriously the responsibility we’ve signed onto: That for this eighteen years of our life, this small person who we chose to have placed in our arms gets our full attention. That we make decisions about the rest of our lives so our children get what they need.
“What do you mean by full attention? That sounds so vague.”
Some people think of it as love. But it isn’t enough that we tell our children we love them. We need to put our love into action every day for them to feel it. Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship with your child needs positive attention to thrive. Like your garden, your wardrobe, or your work, what you attend to flourishes. Maybe attention is best thought of as being completely present in the moment with another person. Or bringing your full acceptance and appreciation to someone. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes time. You can’t multi-task at it.
“So lets be precise here about how much time. It sounds like you’re saying it’s fine to work outside the home if I make good decisions for my kids and give them my full attention when I’m home.”
We can’t come up with the answer for any given family by discussing this in the abstract. But let’s start with what we know is true. We know that for healthy development, babies need to form permanent attachments with intimate others who respond to their needs. By definition, any paid caregiver who is not a relative cannot offer a permanent relationship; you can count on it being disrupted sooner or later.
For an infant, more than a few hours a week of care by a non-intimate can be emotionally jarring. They’re biologically programmed so that their stress hormones go through the roof when their "special people" vanish. An older baby -- starting around six months -- can handle somewhat more time away from her "attachment figures", but still needs to spend the majority of her awake time relating to a permanent intimate other.
“Does this need to be the mother?”
Only a sexist would say yes to that. And why should it be the mom rather than the dad, who loves his baby just as deeply? In fact, it could be a grandmother or aunt. But does this need to be someone who is a loving, permanent presence, who is able to form a deep intimate relationship with the baby? Absolutely. Otherwise, the baby is building a relationship with someone who is going to disappear on her. Or, worse yet, spending her days with someone who can't adequately bond with her.
“So lets be precise here about how much time. It sounds like you’re saying it’s fine to work outside the home if I make good decisions for my kids and give them my full attention when I’m home.”
We can’t come up with the answer for any given family by discussing this in the abstract. But let’s start with what we know is true. We know that for healthy development, babies need to form permanent attachments with intimate others who respond to their needs. By definition, any paid caregiver who is not a relative cannot offer a permanent relationship; you can count on it being disrupted sooner or later.
For an infant, more than a few hours a week of care by a non-intimate can be emotionally jarring. They’re biologically programmed so that their stress hormones go through the roof when their "special people" vanish. An older baby -- starting around six months -- can handle somewhat more time away from her "attachment figures", but still needs to spend the majority of her awake time relating to a permanent intimate other.
“Does this need to be the mother?”
Only a sexist would say yes to that. And why should it be the mom rather than the dad, who loves his baby just as deeply? In fact, it could be a grandmother or aunt. But does this need to be someone who is a loving, permanent presence, who is able to form a deep intimate relationship with the baby? Absolutely. Otherwise, the baby is building a relationship with someone who is going to disappear on her. Or, worse yet, spending her days with someone who can't adequately bond with her.
“So when is it developmentally appropriate for kids to be in daycare?”
Let’s fast forward to what we know about two year olds. If they spend most of their days with someone who is fully present and quietly attentive to their needs, someone with whom they have a strong permanent bond, they tantrum less. They have fewer nightmares. They have a lower amount of stress hormones circulating in their bloodstreams. They are altogether more cooperative, because their needs for autonomy are being met in the context of appropriate loving limits in an intimate relationship.
“But can’t toddlers get these needs met in daycare, or by a caregiver?”
Maybe in fantastic daycare, where the toddler has one special person who is “his,” so he gets the intimate relationship he needs. And maybe with a terrific caregiver. But again, by definition, those caregiver bonds will be disrupted sooner or later, and the younger the child, the greater the damage. We’re so cavalier in our culture about relationships; we don’t acknowledge the loss for our children – and then we wonder why we all feel so disconnected in this society. Of course, if your child doesn’t mourn the loss of a caregiver, then there wasn’t much of a relationship there, and your child shouldn’t have been left with that person to begin with.
The bottom line in non-parental care is the quality of the relationship that’s offered to the child. It’s hard enough for a loving parent who resonates with the toddler to set appropriate loving limits that nurture autonomy. I think it’s a superhuman challenge for any paid caregiver.
Also, if we expect to be our kids' "attachment figures," they need us around for most of their waking hours. So while being a Connected Parent doesn’t mean you won’t work outside the home, you will almost certainly make different decisions about work than you would if you didn’t have kids.
"What about parents who need to work?"
Let’s fast forward to what we know about two year olds. If they spend most of their days with someone who is fully present and quietly attentive to their needs, someone with whom they have a strong permanent bond, they tantrum less. They have fewer nightmares. They have a lower amount of stress hormones circulating in their bloodstreams. They are altogether more cooperative, because their needs for autonomy are being met in the context of appropriate loving limits in an intimate relationship.
“But can’t toddlers get these needs met in daycare, or by a caregiver?”
Maybe in fantastic daycare, where the toddler has one special person who is “his,” so he gets the intimate relationship he needs. And maybe with a terrific caregiver. But again, by definition, those caregiver bonds will be disrupted sooner or later, and the younger the child, the greater the damage. We’re so cavalier in our culture about relationships; we don’t acknowledge the loss for our children – and then we wonder why we all feel so disconnected in this society. Of course, if your child doesn’t mourn the loss of a caregiver, then there wasn’t much of a relationship there, and your child shouldn’t have been left with that person to begin with.
The bottom line in non-parental care is the quality of the relationship that’s offered to the child. It’s hard enough for a loving parent who resonates with the toddler to set appropriate loving limits that nurture autonomy. I think it’s a superhuman challenge for any paid caregiver.
Also, if we expect to be our kids' "attachment figures," they need us around for most of their waking hours. So while being a Connected Parent doesn’t mean you won’t work outside the home, you will almost certainly make different decisions about work than you would if you didn’t have kids.
"What about parents who need to work?"
I strongly recommend Stanley Greenspan's book The Four-Thirds Solution: Solving the Childcare Crisis in America Today
. He suggests that each parent work 2/3 time and spend 1/3 time with the kids. That means the child gets 1/3 time with mom, 1/3 time with dad, and only 1/3 time with some other caregiver or in daycare. I personally think that's ideal.
. He suggests that each parent work 2/3 time and spend 1/3 time with the kids. That means the child gets 1/3 time with mom, 1/3 time with dad, and only 1/3 time with some other caregiver or in daycare. I personally think that's ideal.
"Surely three year olds can be in daycare?"
By the time a child is three, they are absolutely ready for part time group care away from their family, and it is terrific for them in terms of peers, intellectual stimulation, learning social norms, and relating to other adults. Three can be a difficult age and it is often helpful to the parents, as well as the child, for the child to begin to have a life outside the home. If there are younger siblings, it is particularly helpful for the three year old to have his own special "world.". But the parents will have to pay special attention when they are with their child to staying positively connected. That's why fulltime care is still not desirable.
By the time a child is three, they are absolutely ready for part time group care away from their family, and it is terrific for them in terms of peers, intellectual stimulation, learning social norms, and relating to other adults. Three can be a difficult age and it is often helpful to the parents, as well as the child, for the child to begin to have a life outside the home. If there are younger siblings, it is particularly helpful for the three year old to have his own special "world.". But the parents will have to pay special attention when they are with their child to staying positively connected. That's why fulltime care is still not desirable.
“You’re talking a lot about little ones. What about Connection Parenting for older kids?”
I talk a lot about babies, because if you start with a close relationship, you’re less likely to lose it in the pressures of modern life as she grows up. What happens is that your strong bond with your baby awakens your natural parenting instincts, which insist that you stay connected to your child, even as she gets older.
“Connection Parenting sounds very child-centered.”
Parenting takes enormous effort. But most of the time, the emotional rewards make it feel well worth it. If it didn't work that way, humans would never have survived to this generation. And connection-oriented parents get something huge out of it, something other parents can’t count on. Parenting with a good relationship is like guiding that boulder downhill – you still have to pay attention and offer direction, and challenges certainly arise, but the momentum is with you.
A good parent-child relationship gets you through the hard times, and creates more frequent good times. It helps you to listen to, learn from, and meet the unique needs of your growing child. It makes it easier for you to influence your kid, so he’s more cooperative and discipline isn’t a challenge.
Of course, your child gets something even deeper. A strong relationship with you helps him to love himself, which is the foundation of mental health and happiness; and to love others, which is the foundation of future fulfilling relationships. Kids whose emotional needs are met express the traits and values we all want in our kids: consideration and respect for others, self-confidence, integrity, self -discipline. And study after study shows that a close relationship with parents protects children from the excesses of the culture and the peer group.
Connection Parenting keeps your family connected even as the pressures of daily life impinge on your time together and your children grow into their own lives, with their own friends and interests. And it insures that they’ll want to email you from college, or wherever their paths may lead.http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/connection-parenting-Q-A
I talk a lot about babies, because if you start with a close relationship, you’re less likely to lose it in the pressures of modern life as she grows up. What happens is that your strong bond with your baby awakens your natural parenting instincts, which insist that you stay connected to your child, even as she gets older.
“Connection Parenting sounds very child-centered.”
Parenting takes enormous effort. But most of the time, the emotional rewards make it feel well worth it. If it didn't work that way, humans would never have survived to this generation. And connection-oriented parents get something huge out of it, something other parents can’t count on. Parenting with a good relationship is like guiding that boulder downhill – you still have to pay attention and offer direction, and challenges certainly arise, but the momentum is with you.
A good parent-child relationship gets you through the hard times, and creates more frequent good times. It helps you to listen to, learn from, and meet the unique needs of your growing child. It makes it easier for you to influence your kid, so he’s more cooperative and discipline isn’t a challenge.
Of course, your child gets something even deeper. A strong relationship with you helps him to love himself, which is the foundation of mental health and happiness; and to love others, which is the foundation of future fulfilling relationships. Kids whose emotional needs are met express the traits and values we all want in our kids: consideration and respect for others, self-confidence, integrity, self -discipline. And study after study shows that a close relationship with parents protects children from the excesses of the culture and the peer group.
Connection Parenting keeps your family connected even as the pressures of daily life impinge on your time together and your children grow into their own lives, with their own friends and interests. And it insures that they’ll want to email you from college, or wherever their paths may lead.http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/connection-parenting-Q-A
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